It has been a long winter, but truly the sun is finally out. I don't feel so hopeless anymore. It's warm enough to exercise outside. I have started to lose weight although the progress is slow. As for the other thing, I find that I just want to be in places where I can be myself. I will have to find alternative solutions to that particular group. I need to build my confidence not tear it down more. Constantly feeling like the next thing I say will be the cause of more abandonment and isolation. It's exsosting. Yes, I say awquard, odd things sometimes, but not to hurt anyone. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am hoping reading Hebrews will help strengthen my spiritual security mentally so to speak so that I can also improve the rest. I also wish it was okay to ask for support for these issues instead of chastisement. I am not sure I can pull out of it on my own. Trying to be bold and admit that's what's really in my head right now. No, I am not in crisis just wishing I could fix the lumps instead of just pounding them down. How do I keep the ugliness I can't erase out of my head?
A friend of mine recently talked about being in a hole and trying to dig his way out a little bit at a time. He said he wasn’t ready to come out of the hole yet because they still have some stuff to do. Today was one of those days when I felt the walls caving in and the dirt stacking up. I felt all those little things that I had been shoving to the side and ignoring falling down. I thought, even if I could accomplish one of those little things, the mound of all of them was just too much. Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel like you’ve given all you have and you’re still staring at a giant pile of junk? So I took the night off from trying to solve anything. Tomorrow I’ll get up and I’ll do what I need to do; one thing at a time. Maybe like my friend I’ll grab a little shovel and start digging out some dirt. It’s highly unlikely that all accomplish that much but maybe I’ll be ready to try.
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