Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

Today I lost it. Tears spilling down my face a full blown panic attack during Bible study. I could not go in that room full of women. Feeling alone and emotional I started to flee. One of the leaders stopped me to talk to me till I calmed down. I can't say that I really felt,"Glad I stayed," but it is usually best to go through an attack rather than hide from one. Likely the next time I feel that way(there will be a next time) I will be able to calm down quicker. Today I was really just tired. I feel that struggle there every week, but it does not usually cause panic or tears. Is there something about the love chapter that the devil does not want me to hear? I know I need the reminder as much as anyone. I don't think my lack of female connection is everyone else's fault. I know it's me. I get it. I just don't do female relationships well. Even the friends I have probably are limited by my focusing issues. If they spent some time with my brain they might un...

As we start out a new year, it seems fitting that we remember the endings as we start new adventures. Some endings are good while others are not so good. Or perhaps our endings carry with them some sadness. Who have you lost this year? What did you have to give up? What is the new reality that means saying goodbye to old comforts. A new year can be a clean slate for acceptance of the many things which we cannot change or control. For me it will mean getting back on the exercise horse and trying to make serious diet changes. The positive rememberances of last year would be trusting the Lord to be more confident in teaching and being more faithful in Bible study. I remember accepting bipolar in the beginning. It was a long process. I see a friend accepting breast cancer and she is amazing. Finding ways to be thankful for all she still has. What a gift we offer others when accept God's will for our lives. I hope to some day offer encouragement and the love of Jesus as it has been so a...

After the sun comes out, things look brighter. Now we have longer days with plenty of sunlight. I definitely feel better when the sun is shinning. All that winter darkness tends to bring me down internally. Truth be told, I've come to except that their is stuff that I can deal with, but never overcome. I can simply take one day at a time, one step at a time. Like a person grieving a lost loveone. They get to a point where they only get sad when a thought comes to mind reminding them that person is no longer there. Yet when their is a special day like their birthday or a holiday, then it is just a sad day all day. It comes in waves for them. Bad memories can be like that too. Waves that come and go sometimes unexpectedly.One trys to avoid the harsh reminders. Sometimes, they seem to be there, all around. Other times way down stuffed out of the way. For a sad grieving one, I do realize there is joy amist sadness. You remember them and smile, even laugh. Yet you ache to hug them one m...

For me, my biggest enemy is the things I believe to be true which are actually false. I have struggled with the friends thing some more, but I really think the biggest issue is how I see myself. If the ugly talk starts going, nothing good can come of it. Why am I talking about this here. Well, I think that this is one of those things that everyone struggles with in one way or another, but never talk about it. You think you look fat because someone told you that when you were ten. You think your eyes are too narrow or something is wrong with your walk. Granted, I do not think all of those personally, but I wanted to give relate able examples. Mine would be, "Everyone thinks I'm dump." "No, one wants me here." Where did my lies come from? History. I was bullied, teased and tormented as a child. Kids called me names and ignored me. I had more than one person walk up to me and say,"I don't like you." Adults would just say, "Who cares!" but t...

I turned 40 this week. I really dreaded this one. I was concerned I would be so very alone on a big birthday and feel really depressed. Weird thing is I was not sad. I was pretty much alone, but it was okay this year. I think not expecting anything worked way better than if I had expected and no one remembered. I was remembered by my family and that's all there is for me. I have a handful of friends, but we don't celebrate each other's birthdays. I am still missing that here. My close friend that I would do things like that with is not here. I do have a new friend and we are working on it slowly. She is not from here either(the state I am now in). That might be part of the reason that we are reaching out to each other. Other nice people are friendly, but do not really need us for anything. That has been my issue these last few months. It is hard to not be needed by anyone. Right now I need to go to sleep. My room smells yucky and I couldn't sleep. Now Hubby is awake a...

I went to my monthly Mom's Support group meeting. Tonight's topic was our teens and dating. We talked about what we would want our children to look for in a mate. Hearing some of the women talk about what they expect to avoid made me think. I am glad God knows better than we do. I certainly feel like we have teach our children to find someone with like values. We all come from different backgrounds. That doesn't have to mean we cannot join together with someone in agreement for what that life together will be. It probably would have been easier for my husband to have picked a woman with less baggage. He probably would have had things much easier. I do wonder who he would be though. I think God used us to improve each other's lives. We are both better people because of that. I wouldn't be who I am without my baggage plain and simple. It might be burdensome at times, but it has given me compassion and deeper faith in God. I hope God will bring into my children's l...

Do you ever think that if we could each step into each others shoes would we hold our tounges better? Would you ask a aquitance about their baby bump when it is just fat? Embarishing for both parties. Would you ask,"Are you expecting yet?" How bought people with larger clans? Would you say something like, "You're having another one?" I have friends who had trouble having children and friends with large families. The only sad part is how much they cannot have understanding for each other. The same could apply to other stituations. The truth is that we cannot be in someone else's shoes. We can only true to be compassionate and kind. I fail too often because I am way too blunt. I am someone who is guilty of being "brutally honest." I am working on it. I feel like whenever I fail, God smacks me with a life lesson. It probably is not that dramatic, but feels that way at the time.