As a kid I watched my parents fight about different things. I don't really have any other parents to compare them to so I can't really say whether they were normal fights couples have or not. I couldn't even say what most of them were about except the ones that were about me. We only ate as a family on holidays. My father came home late so we kids ate without him. I do remember spending time with him in the evening before I went to bed so it couldn't have been that late. My own husband gets home a little later because of his job commute so we eat late every night. But home schooling has given us the ability to be more flexible than my Mom was able to be. We had school early the next day. As I got older, I remember my Father being home less and less and the fights seemed to intensify. I remember one night when I was thirteen. I could hear them yelling through the wall. My mom found me crying and I told her I didn't want them to get a divorce. She told me they were fine and I had nothing to worry about.
About a year later my father left. The weird thing is by then I was some how already expecting it. I was kind of relieved on some level thinking home would be more peaceful. I didn't realize how much I would miss him or how difficult if would really be. My brothers were not around. It was just me and Mom. If my Dad got mad at her, he would pay her less support and she would worry about the bills. I had to grow up fast that year. For a while she just fell apart. It was hard to be the strong one, but I had to be.
I hesitated to tell this part of the story because I don't want to make my father out to be some kind of villain. Adult relationships are complicated and there is never one person at fault. They really couldn't fix things just for us kids. The thing is that it doesn't end with the divorce. In so many ways it will never be over. At the end of the day I don't care whether they are married or not; I just want them to get a long. I want them to get that when they hurt each other, they hurt me.
That is what being part of a broken family feels like at least in part. I love my parents. I know they did the best they could. They did a lot of things right for my brothers and I. Too bad they weren't as good to each other as they were to us.
About a year later my father left. The weird thing is by then I was some how already expecting it. I was kind of relieved on some level thinking home would be more peaceful. I didn't realize how much I would miss him or how difficult if would really be. My brothers were not around. It was just me and Mom. If my Dad got mad at her, he would pay her less support and she would worry about the bills. I had to grow up fast that year. For a while she just fell apart. It was hard to be the strong one, but I had to be.
I hesitated to tell this part of the story because I don't want to make my father out to be some kind of villain. Adult relationships are complicated and there is never one person at fault. They really couldn't fix things just for us kids. The thing is that it doesn't end with the divorce. In so many ways it will never be over. At the end of the day I don't care whether they are married or not; I just want them to get a long. I want them to get that when they hurt each other, they hurt me.
That is what being part of a broken family feels like at least in part. I love my parents. I know they did the best they could. They did a lot of things right for my brothers and I. Too bad they weren't as good to each other as they were to us.
Since then have either of your parents realized how much they hurt each other or you? Right now I'm waiting for my dad to get it, but I'm not holding my breath.
ReplyDeleteisn't that what all children ultimately want? for their parents just to get a long regardless of whether they are divorced or married. that's why i think it's so important that when couples have an argument that the kids either overhear or witness it's so important for the kids to see the reconciliation part. if for nothing else than to put them at ease.
ReplyDeleteI think my parents are starting to "get it" as you said, but they simply can't undo the past. It's that uncomfortable sorry you feel that way conversation where no one feels better in the end. You,re right Gena every kid feels that way.
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