Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

 I feel like I am outside of myself watching life. That is how the depression stage feels right now anyway. Yes, the sun is shining and it will get better. Just that waiting for it to pass stage. Trying not to skip medicine. I tend to forget when I need it the most. Trying to do better. I actually look forward to going out. I just need motivation. So this is normal. I am hoping to take on more work in the future too so I have more to look forward to then .. this. I choose to be transparent on here. I might seem like a bunch of blah, blah, complaining to you reading this, but it’s me getting it if my head. People need to be allowed to do that. People need to be able to release the burden of their shoulders without dismissal and judgment. I AM okay. I know that. And I figured out that this time it’s mostly physiological not emotional. Meaning if I get the medicine stabilized and the food figured out, I WILL start to feel better. In the meantime, it’s okay to not be okay. Trying to just d

 You broke me. I don’t trust women because you broke me. I expect to be excluded, gossiped about, and ignored. I can’t seem to grasp the memories in full so much is blocked. However, it has been surfacing a lot lately. I know when entering a room is almost a panic attack that the stuff is back. I hurt someone I cared about and I couldn’t even stop it. I saw it coming. I warned her. The crash happened anyway. I know that we can’t be friends anymore anyway. That was clear before, but I wish I could have avoided saying anything to hurt her. I mess up and I try to fix it all for everyone else. I don’t know how to fix myself. I see the swarm of grown women and I see the girls that hurt me years ago. I said no to playing games back then cause kids get mad when you don’t do well. They want to win. I didn’t have the athletic ability to do well at any sport. My son did the same I noticed. He was hurt too for not being “good enough.” in sports. It’s hard to be so disjointed, but that isn’t going

 I am having one of my diverticulitis spells which means I am in pain and need to wait it out. I used to go to church anyway and would end up on the floor in the nursery. Did that quite a few times. I was expected to be there. My issues were considered imaginary. At least that’s how it felt if I ever tried to get some support. FYI your not supposed to talk about problems with your gut. Anyway, I realize that people wonder and we don’t tell them much because…already said. I am thankful it’s not that bad. I don’t have anything serious. I am thankful that my dietary restrictions have cut way down on these episodes. Yes, God is in control. Yes, I still thank Him. I so often wonder why?  I get the chronic little irritants, but nothing serious. I face a little difficulty all the time, while others face Giant diseases and traumas. I guess God knows I need the little pokes more often rather than a big shove. He knows I had enough shove in my life and gives me so much tenderness. Which must mea