Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

 I’m haven’t used my “happy light” in a long time, but it seemed like a good idea today. The sky is grey and it’s been raining a few days. The light mimics sunlight to help treat seasonal effective disorder. Fancy title for I need more sun. Our world is a scary place right now. Besides the worldwide violence there is an increase in senseless crimes like school shootings and church shootings. Wildfires are destroying whole neighborhoods, and floods are still displacing people from their homes. We live in harsh times. I saw people who were in such a hurry to get through the grocery store that they couldn’t see anyone else. A world in desperate need of light. As I found myself crumbling today, I have to remind myself of the mission. “Let your light so shine before men…” Matthew 5:16. People think I am naive when I choose to dwell on positive things. I am aware of the ugly things going on around me. Some days you can feel it in the atmosphere. A heaviness flows that is contagious. I kn...

 I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...

 Talked to my doctor today. He feels the medicine I am on is a rather high dose. He is going to reduce it which should help me stay awake during the day. I am ready to try these changes and see what happens. I have been sleeping nine to ten hours a night plus naps. Its way too much. I am hoping the adjustment will allow me to start a more normal routine and eventually go back to work, Pray that I don't have side effects to the medicine. I have been taking Cogentin which is a for side effects medicine, but the medicine has its own side effects. Hopefully, I don't have to take that anymore.     I have been feeling trapped and depressed after several days of low energy and seclusion. I even got super irritable which wasn't super fun either. My prayers of late are with me asking Why? and How? a lot. I know God has a plan, but I have to ask how do I do this? Waiting for the sunrise till I can see things more clearly. I haven't said much to anyone as I already feel judged....

 I had multiple people think I was depressed. I wasn’t. Mania is the opposite. Unfortunately, Newton’s law still applies. “What goes up must come down.” I definitely am feeling melancholy as my Pastor would say. Being still too tired to function normally, I am feeling down. Let’s face it; this is the hardest part after a mania. You can see the fear in people’s faces. They are concerned you’ll break. I am not going to break. I am weak though. I might need to cry. I might need to be reminded to look up. Now that reality has set in, my confidence is shaky. This isn’t my first time fighting this. I want to glorify God in the storm. Unfortunately, I am feeling like I need help. I need to be encouraged. I don’t need a pep talk to tell me to just stop it. I read that verse the other day, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” Proverbs 25:11. I am not giving up. God will find a way to lift me back up again. 

 I finally got some therapy. I am reading a book about burn out. I see that I have to work on changing some of my inner dialogue. Meaning if I want to get better then I need to address some of the unhealthy thinking I have had. I would stand guard over anyone else, but hesitate to defend myself or speak up. I know coming now I would be over compensating. Hopefully, I can find a balance along the way. I know what it means to be silenced and it’s not a good feeling. I can be kind and still speak up. Praying I find a way. I miss my work clients. Hopefully this brain of mine will calm down soon. I know God is able to heal me. I hope I can see myself in a better light. That He really is pleased with me. That God isn’t asking me to be anyone else. All for now…

 As of today I have been home a little over a week. I am still a little sluggish from the medication, but I am thinking more clearly. There are some things that I can’t decide if they are dream or reality. God will have to show me in time. In the meantime, I can wrap myself in His  truth. Blessings, I received the sweetest cards from a few unexpected places. I shopped for groceries all by myself. We got a new dishwasher. If I don’t celebrate the little things, I won’t notice the bigger ones. That my gut is getting better although it still has its moments. All that to say, I choose joy. I am finding that I have to choose the fruits of the spirt over my own selfish way of looking at life. Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” ‭...