Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

  I woke up this morning around 8:30 and decided to go back to sleep. There is a Scripture that has been on my mind lately. Luke chapter ten verses 41-42. Jesus says to Martha,”…Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things : But one thing is needful: And Mary hath chosen that good part which shall not be taken away from her. Don’t get too excited; I am not encouraging people to skip church. I am giving myself permission to rest my body when that is needed more. I can pray and worship right here. Sometimes we push ourselves to the edge of unhealthy just because we’re concerned people won’t understand. I can’t worry about those people right now. I choose the more needful thing. To worship in private this morning. And show up rested later.

 I am recovering from another manic episode. It seems that my hormonal imbalances have only gotten worse. I am just starting to settle in to almost normal after about a month of out of control. I did everything right and it still happened. There really is no promise in life that we can have it easy. Jesus said, ‘you will have tribulation.’ But he also said, “let not your heart be troubled. You believe God. Believe also in me.” Jesus has the remedy even in the middle of terrible days. Don’t give up. Hope thou in God according to David’s words from Psalm 42. If you find yourself in a trial all over again, I hope you can remember these words. “Hope thou in God.”

 Sometimes my life feels like an afterthought. I spend so much time behaving the way I think I am expected to. Listening to other people’s expectations or my imaginations of what they are that I feel disconnected. I am disappointed I wasn’t able to do better. I am tired. I am tired so much of the time these days. Apparently, being subdued is preferable to being too excited. Honestly I used to fall somewhere in the middle before my last episode. All that to say, I just need to vent. Does it ever get easier? I love the Lord honestly. I love serving Him. It’s everything else. I will try to find something to do. I like listening to the birds. They are so happy. I need to work on my book and that is a little stressful actually. I just need to finish something. 

Do you ever find it hard to relax? I am taking a forced rest today after two nights of muscle spasms. My back is not too thrilled with me. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Sometimes I find myself carrying too much and I have to put it all down. Because I am an empath, it is easy to pick up too much of other people’s emotions. I am learning. Jesus says, “Come unto me, all ye …that are heavy laden and I will give you rest.”Matthew 11:28. I am laying it at His feet. 

 Do you ever wonder why tears fall at the strangest times?  Just sitting watching tv and the tears start. Driving in the car and the tears start. I take care of people watching them get weaker, sicker, and die. I push down all the emotions. Can’t get emotional at church. Can’t get emotional in front of my friends. So that little trickle of pain just squeezes out when I’m not wanting it to. And then I remember other people I’ve lost along  the way the closest and dearest I never forget so I might have to take some time to morn another loss. I might have to take a few moments to acknowledge that it hurts. I pour my whole heart into these people. When they’re gone, it hurts. Then I start all over again with someone new and press the repeat button. This job is not for the faint of heart and it’s OK to be sad. I’m happy for this person to have no more pain and no more suffering. I am sad for their family. Loosing someone far too soon.

 I’m haven’t used my “happy light” in a long time, but it seemed like a good idea today. The sky is grey and it’s been raining a few days. The light mimics sunlight to help treat seasonal effective disorder. Fancy title for I need more sun. Our world is a scary place right now. Besides the worldwide violence there is an increase in senseless crimes like school shootings and church shootings. Wildfires are destroying whole neighborhoods, and floods are still displacing people from their homes. We live in harsh times. I saw people who were in such a hurry to get through the grocery store that they couldn’t see anyone else. A world in desperate need of light. As I found myself crumbling today, I have to remind myself of the mission. “Let your light so shine before men…” Matthew 5:16. People think I am naive when I choose to dwell on positive things. I am aware of the ugly things going on around me. Some days you can feel it in the atmosphere. A heaviness flows that is contagious. I kn...