Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

 Sometimes my life feels like an afterthought. I spend so much time behaving the way I think I am expected to. Listening to other people’s expectations or my imaginations of what they are that I feel disconnected. I am disappointed I wasn’t able to do better. I am tired. I am tired so much of the time these days. Apparently, being subdued is preferable to being too excited. Honestly I used to fall somewhere in the middle before my last episode. All that to say, I just need to vent. Does it ever get easier? I love the Lord honestly. I love serving Him. It’s everything else. I will try to find something to do. I like listening to the birds. They are so happy. I need to work on my book and that is a little stressful actually. I just need to finish something. 

Do you ever find it hard to relax? I am taking a forced rest today after two nights of muscle spasms. My back is not too thrilled with me. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Sometimes I find myself carrying too much and I have to put it all down. Because I am an empath, it is easy to pick up too much of other people’s emotions. I am learning. Jesus says, “Come unto me, all ye …that are heavy laden and I will give you rest.”Matthew 11:28. I am laying it at His feet. 

 Do you ever wonder why tears fall at the strangest times?  Just sitting watching tv and the tears start. Driving in the car and the tears start. I take care of people watching them get weaker, sicker, and die. I push down all the emotions. Can’t get emotional at church. Can’t get emotional in front of my friends. So that little trickle of pain just squeezes out when I’m not wanting it to. And then I remember other people I’ve lost along  the way the closest and dearest I never forget so I might have to take some time to morn another loss. I might have to take a few moments to acknowledge that it hurts. I pour my whole heart into these people. When they’re gone, it hurts. Then I start all over again with someone new and press the repeat button. This job is not for the faint of heart and it’s OK to be sad. I’m happy for this person to have no more pain and no more suffering. I am sad for their family. Loosing someone far too soon.

 I’m haven’t used my “happy light” in a long time, but it seemed like a good idea today. The sky is grey and it’s been raining a few days. The light mimics sunlight to help treat seasonal effective disorder. Fancy title for I need more sun. Our world is a scary place right now. Besides the worldwide violence there is an increase in senseless crimes like school shootings and church shootings. Wildfires are destroying whole neighborhoods, and floods are still displacing people from their homes. We live in harsh times. I saw people who were in such a hurry to get through the grocery store that they couldn’t see anyone else. A world in desperate need of light. As I found myself crumbling today, I have to remind myself of the mission. “Let your light so shine before men…” Matthew 5:16. People think I am naive when I choose to dwell on positive things. I am aware of the ugly things going on around me. Some days you can feel it in the atmosphere. A heaviness flows that is contagious. I kn...

 I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...

 Talked to my doctor today. He feels the medicine I am on is a rather high dose. He is going to reduce it which should help me stay awake during the day. I am ready to try these changes and see what happens. I have been sleeping nine to ten hours a night plus naps. Its way too much. I am hoping the adjustment will allow me to start a more normal routine and eventually go back to work, Pray that I don't have side effects to the medicine. I have been taking Cogentin which is a for side effects medicine, but the medicine has its own side effects. Hopefully, I don't have to take that anymore.     I have been feeling trapped and depressed after several days of low energy and seclusion. I even got super irritable which wasn't super fun either. My prayers of late are with me asking Why? and How? a lot. I know God has a plan, but I have to ask how do I do this? Waiting for the sunrise till I can see things more clearly. I haven't said much to anyone as I already feel judged....