Back a few years ago I was told something that shook me pretty hard. I couldn’t understand how I was hurting people when that’s something I don’t ever want to do. After some serious searching, I found something. Once upon a time, I was teased and bullied a lot. I learned the only way to survive was to agree with everything they said and make a huge joke out of it. Not only did that have me internalizing those insults, but it always taught me to be extremely sarcastic. Sarcasm became my defense weapon. I realized recently that I never put it away. It’s like the war ended and I still had all my armor on. The sad part is that when you’re dealing with repressed memories and trauma, these unhealthy defenses turn on automatically. I absolutely thank God for loving me through it all. People are not always so understanding especially if they have been hurt. Now when I find myself facing the judgment, my anxiety kicks in and I battle panic attacks. Cause I am still a work in progress. I was praying the other day not knowing what to say and I heard, “Jesus is everything.” There’s a song I used to know that was running through my head. I can’t fix anyone least of all myself, but I am certainly glad Jesus still loves me. I have to take one day at a time. There’s no other way to do this. We all have learned behaviors from years, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be changed. If it’s wrong, God can show us and change it. Look how far Peter came. We’re all works in progress.
I am trying to stop the people pleasing. Doing for others is wonderful when it’s healthy, but I now recognize there’s a line I shouldn’t cross. Problem is that I don’t always see the line. I asked for something today and yes, I felt guilty. Then I felt guilty for feeling guilty. Ug! This weekend I saw my limit come and go so I did walk away from some responsibilities I was unable to do. It felt good to be strong enough to do that and two days later I am a wimp again. Regardless, it’s on me to be honest not on my friends and family to guess. So trying and sometimes failing. I am thankful that God is still working. I realized that although it’s small, I have changed. All that to say, don’t give up on people too quickly.
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