Back a few years ago I was told something that shook me pretty hard. I couldn’t understand how I was hurting people when that’s something I don’t ever want to do. After some serious searching, I found something. Once upon a time, I was teased and bullied a lot. I learned the only way to survive was to agree with everything they said and make a huge joke out of it. Not only did that have me internalizing those insults, but it always taught me to be extremely sarcastic. Sarcasm became my defense weapon. I realized recently that I never put it away. It’s like the war ended and I still had all my armor on. The sad part is that when you’re dealing with repressed memories and trauma, these unhealthy defenses turn on automatically. I absolutely thank God for loving me through it all. People are not always so understanding especially if they have been hurt. Now when I find myself facing the judgment, my anxiety kicks in and I battle panic attacks. Cause I am still a work in progress. I was praying the other day not knowing what to say and I heard, “Jesus is everything.” There’s a song I used to know that was running through my head. I can’t fix anyone least of all myself, but I am certainly glad Jesus still loves me. I have to take one day at a time. There’s no other way to do this. We all have learned behaviors from years, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be changed. If it’s wrong, God can show us and change it. Look how far Peter came. We’re all works in progress.
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo...
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