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And Another Makes Two

At twenty five years old I did not want to decide to stop having children after just one. I was afraid of going through the same struggles all over again so I did a lot of research and took my time thinking and praying. I had a Christian doctor who said she agreed there was a chance the second time around things would go just fine.

The research told me I had a 80% chance of re-occurrence. Not as good as the one in 1,000 chance I had the first time around. That didn't sound too promising so we were looking at reducing the intensity of the episode and possible treatments rather than preventing it all together. I was hopeful though that I would be in the 20%. Jonathan was three before I decided to try to have another baby again. We had a plan for what we would do when the baby came. That got changed some when we had to move out of state when I was almost eight months pregnant. But I found doctors over the phone before we moved and did the best I could to start a new plan. I hired a Doula who was amazing! In the end she didn't charge us a thing and I couldn't have done it without her. I knew some of the mistakes I had made the first time around and determined to change what I could and try to except what I couldn't. This time I opted for natural childbirth. I was able to "stay calm" until that last stage when the pain is almost unbearable. Thankfully that doesn't last long. Out he came my beautiful baby boy Matthew.

That's right this time I got to feel happy and excited like new Mom's are supposed to. I was not sleepy well and I was noticing little things that reminded me of the odd behavior I had after Jonathan was born. I told the OB about it, but she said not to be paranoid. I should have followed my instinct cause sure enough something was wrong. I went to the doctor when the baby was two days old and started medication. Because that takes two to four weeks to be effective, I also had to take another medication for the confusion. The symptoms never got really bad this time, but it was really scary not knowing how bad they would get. I didn't want to be hospitalized again. I hated be watched like a hawk and babysat so to speak. My family left after a month and I was doing fine on my own.

We decided not to have anymore children because since I had Matthew the intensity of my mood swings is more permanent than it ever was before. For a while that was really hard because I would get asked, "So when are you having another." Just as I had been when I waited too long to have a second child(:. People mean well, but sometimes that was hard to answer. I would say, "I'm done and they wouldn't believe me." Not only could I not go through it all again for my sake, but I also couldn't ask my family to go through it again either. Well, I couldn't tell people that whole story.

I know women who desperately want a baby and can't have one. It is difficult being the woman who can and chooses not to.

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