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Rewind Back to the Beginning

When I was a little girl, I can remember times(many) when I would get happy and excited and begin to laugh enthusiasticlly. Then someone(usually my Mom) would tell me to ,"Calm down." Also, she would let me know that I was being too loud whether she said it or not. The part that stands out is the, "Calm down." I never understood that. I was happy having a good time and boom...I was a naughty child being loud. It sounds silly put like that, but that is how it felt to my young mind. I just did not understand. What did I do that was so wrong and why did she or whoever have to steel my joy.

I am not a little girl anymore. Now I know that I can indeed be too loud when I get excited. There is a time and place for everything. Last of all, sometimes, I just don't follow all the social rules. When I am manic, I talk a mile a minute jumping from topic to topic. Most people just ignore it. I can also get quite intense when I am manic or insistant. I guess people just do not know how to handle it because if they do not ignore it they give me funny looks.

Funny looks bother me more than the ignoring. I wish people would just be outright honest and say something. I do not often even realize what I'm doing until after it happens. So I get to go home and feel bad about it. If they would talk to me, I could try to slow down...stop...listen...whatever. I have found few who are willing to do that however so I'm left to figure out a way to deal on my own.

Well, my one true friend, Jesus Christ, tells me I have some work to do in the trusting category. The more complicated my life becomes; the more I try to control it. You would think I would know by now that doesn't work. I watch the pieces crumble and try to figure out what God is doing. He obviously doesn't want me to know.

I don't know how everyone else handles anxiety, but when I'm overwhelmed I end of wallowing. I forgot all the things I should be thankful for as I make out my list of woes.

Once again remembering the little girl I was. She wanted a husband and a family. She wanted a safe, secure, and happy home. I have all those things now. Someday, I hope to burn away all the baggage of my unwanted memories. Maybe then I'll only see the happy little girl playing with her dollies. After all, I was happy, some of the time. Greater yet is something only God himself can give. That's joy! It is so much better than happiness.

Comments

  1. Mrs_ScotsmanFebruary 13, 2009 at 9:00 PM

    I'm enjoying reading your post. It'll be so good to catch-up in person.

    ReplyDelete

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