Skip to main content

Rewind Back to the Beginning

When I was a little girl, I can remember times(many) when I would get happy and excited and begin to laugh enthusiasticlly. Then someone(usually my Mom) would tell me to ,"Calm down." Also, she would let me know that I was being too loud whether she said it or not. The part that stands out is the, "Calm down." I never understood that. I was happy having a good time and boom...I was a naughty child being loud. It sounds silly put like that, but that is how it felt to my young mind. I just did not understand. What did I do that was so wrong and why did she or whoever have to steel my joy.

I am not a little girl anymore. Now I know that I can indeed be too loud when I get excited. There is a time and place for everything. Last of all, sometimes, I just don't follow all the social rules. When I am manic, I talk a mile a minute jumping from topic to topic. Most people just ignore it. I can also get quite intense when I am manic or insistant. I guess people just do not know how to handle it because if they do not ignore it they give me funny looks.

Funny looks bother me more than the ignoring. I wish people would just be outright honest and say something. I do not often even realize what I'm doing until after it happens. So I get to go home and feel bad about it. If they would talk to me, I could try to slow down...stop...listen...whatever. I have found few who are willing to do that however so I'm left to figure out a way to deal on my own.

Well, my one true friend, Jesus Christ, tells me I have some work to do in the trusting category. The more complicated my life becomes; the more I try to control it. You would think I would know by now that doesn't work. I watch the pieces crumble and try to figure out what God is doing. He obviously doesn't want me to know.

I don't know how everyone else handles anxiety, but when I'm overwhelmed I end of wallowing. I forgot all the things I should be thankful for as I make out my list of woes.

Once again remembering the little girl I was. She wanted a husband and a family. She wanted a safe, secure, and happy home. I have all those things now. Someday, I hope to burn away all the baggage of my unwanted memories. Maybe then I'll only see the happy little girl playing with her dollies. After all, I was happy, some of the time. Greater yet is something only God himself can give. That's joy! It is so much better than happiness.

Comments

  1. Mrs_ScotsmanFebruary 13, 2009 at 9:00 PM

    I'm enjoying reading your post. It'll be so good to catch-up in person.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Little Shower

 I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Threw Out the Moon

  My son made a paper mâché replica of the moon when he was younger. Being the consistent pack rat that I am it was still here in our living room. I am trying to clean everything up and believe or not, throw out the stuff we don’t need. Do you find it hard to throw away stuff you don’t need, remove things you shouldn’t have, or give up things you need to? It is different for everyone, but we can probably all relate to that in some small way. If you’re wondering how I got here you’d have to go way back. Growing up I didn’t have a lot of friends. It was my toys and me. My imagination gave them personalities. Could it be that I don’t need that stuff anymore? Could it be that I have real live people who are right here and worth much more! It won’t be easy, but I am willing to do the work. I will trash the unwanted books if I have to. I don’t expect people to understand, but maybe hold back the judgment. Cause like I said before, everyone struggles with something. Maybe it’s giving...
Post a Comment
Read more

Thicker Skin?

 I have come to believe that I don’t have thick skin for a reason. I am a Caregiver at heart. I am thankful though that I finally have a few people in my life that are willing to love me through my imperfections. There are some people who maybe haven’t forgiven me because they are still holding onto their own past. I don’t want to do that anymore. That means I have to forgive myself too. So for that person who still can’t forgive me, I am sorry I hurt you. Period. I didn’t know then what I was doing wrong, but I do now. You can get in line with the other people who won’t forgive me. That one over there, hurt me by cutting me out of her life. I didn’t react well. And now we are cut out of each other’s lives. That other one didn’t understand me, and also cut me out. I didn’t actually do anything to her other than be my big present self. Again, learning from it. That one over there… I judged her believing I knew better. You see why I call it a graveyard and it really stings sometimes....
Post a Comment
Read more