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Pulling Out of the Muck

I've been trying to figure out how to unravel my thoughts so that they make sense on paper. Lately there has been a pile on of sad events, but I have been too busy to really process them. I'm not sure how much I even want to. I waited all winter to not struggle to feel good and now that it's spring the last thing I want to do is grieve. Yes, I know how incredibly self centered that sounds. Of course that is the point of this thing. A place where I can blab and not alienate the people who love me. I want to be able to say that it breaks my heart that my brother's marriage is ending. I feel like bringing up the subject just makes people uncomfortable. It is a little like after my Dad left. That I don't know what to say to you thing. So maybe it isn't that they don't care, but that they just don't know how to deal. I certainly don't have any clue as how to deal either. I live miles away. I can't do much of anything to help my brother or his family. I'm just praying.

After a long fight with cancer, a friend died last week. She was more like and adopted Mom then a friend. After my father left, I spent a lot of time at her house: singing hymns with them;playing games; looking at her sons latest bug collection. She listened to me. I mean she really heard me. I respected her for that and did plenty of listening to her. Yes, she was an odd duck to many, but I saw past that. After all, I hardly consider myself ordinary. Hee Hee. She gave and gave and then gave some more. I'm glad she is at peace with Jesus. There were a lot of rough times along the way.

I just wonder how often she had the feeling, " I don't want to be here, but as long as I've got a reason to be I'll keep going." I mess up and forget about God. I find He never changes. I read Psalm 39-40 today. "He put a new song in my mouth. Many shall see it and fear and shall trust in the Lord." I can't dwell on all the burdens that get thrown at me. I have to remember why I'm here in the first place and ask God to keep (ME) out of it. I should be ever aware of my sinful state as long as I realize that Jesus did pay it all and through Him I can have victory.

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