Here I am awake again when I should be asleep. I am going to try to make it to bed before two tonight. I had an anxiety attach yesterday when my old psychiatrist office through a clerical error dropped me like a rock. I was supposed to have an appointment with a new doc all lined up, but first they lost the date in the computer and then they told me that the appointment should not have been made because the doctor was not willing to take on any more patients. The thing is I have been with that practice for three years now and they were supposed to refer me to another doctor not drop me and say call around and find someone else. Needless to say I did not handle it well. I like to plan ahead as much as possible. I had previously tried to find a new psych on my own and was having difficulty finding any. I had resigned myself to making due with the one there for the time being. I am going somewhere else now, but I am unsure how long the process will now take. I need new medication in about two or three months. I may have to get my family doctor to fill it for me. It was just a very frustrating situation and they didn't really apologize or offer to FIX their error by making certain I got the care I needed. They gave me the old you can always call Crisis Intervention nonsense. I told my hubby that I am not suicidal...I just need to have someone to continue to monitor my medications. I don't need to be committed because I need a new prescription. I am calmer now, but I am not totally there yet. I keep unconsciously clenching my jaw. I do that when I'm tense. I've also been emotional lately. I'm trying NOT to let the emotions control me. My hormones like to be out of whack. I've been trying to do better with my walk with the Lord, but those very same emotions make me feel defeated and hopeless. I am thankful for the purpose God gives me, and the hope that He gives. My emotions might want to give up, but the rest of me knows why I can't. Also, if it truly is God's purpose I'm trying to fulfill than I can't do it on my own. I like the verse that says, "Faithful is He who calleth you, Who also will do it." Well pep talk to self over I need to try to go to sleep.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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