That's right I'm sort of here. For too many years, I had to go someplace else figuratively to survive in reality. Now I find it difficult to stay here when I'm really O.K. in the now. I find myself stuck in the reality of my memories I tried so hard to block out. My therapist wants me to see them in a new way. I realized just yesterday that I have to take everyone else out of the equation and focus on healing myself. I'm too concerned with everyone else is the translation of that criptic remark. I can't change what was, but maybe if I can see it differently I can live with it. That is without it messing up how I see things in the present. I know psycho babble. I have no desire to dishonor God or leave His purpose out. I have known since I was small that I needed a Heavenly Father. I was terrified of nightmares and praying to Jesus was the only thing that helped me sleep. Later I trusted Him for other things and yes as a result of His hand in my life I wanted to serve Him. Serving God gives me peace. It is finding ways to serve him each day in other ways that is more challenging. The very thing I must do is seek to do it anyway cause when I don't I have no joy.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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