Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

It's that time of year again 'Fa La Laing' and 'tiz the season to be jolly.' I always loved Christmas time, but not for the reason you think(:. Sure presents are fun and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy giving and receiving them, but that isn't the best part. When I was little, I loved to listen to my father read the Christmas story on Christmas morning right out of Luke 2. Then we would open presents eat good stuff and spend the whole day together. It was the only day of the year I could count on us all being together and getting along. That all changed of course when my father moved out, but my brother read the story that first year without him and we tried to act as normal as possible. The last Christmas we spent together (all together) my parents got a real tree for the first time in years. It was really special. I admit that for a few years Christmas was a little bit sad and sometimes now still is, but not like it was. Now I have my own husban...

Honestly, I choose to write sometimes even on a bad day because it usually helps me sort things out and it shows how far from perfect I am. We all have bad days when we aren't thinking as clearly as we'd like. I'm just more vocal about it than most. The truth is that although my childhood was no picnic, it could have been far worse. The truth is that although my brothers are often aloof it isn't because they don't care, but because they express it differently than I do. Not everyone can be as on the surface as I tend to be. It gets me in all kinds of trouble. I decided that our lives would be extremely boring if we were all exactly alike. I think God has used other people to fill in the gaps that my family may have left. At the end of the day, everything on this earth is only temporary. If I spent far less time worrying about things I can't change and far more time concentrating on the things God has for me to do, what would my life look like then?

Feeling sad. Missing my family that hardly ever talks to me. Do I really miss them or what I wish they were? We don't get to pick. I had a stupid panic attach last night over my big brother who is forever breaking my heart. I don't know how to love them without it tearing me in pieces at least some of the time. I am too sleep deprived to give this a look on the bright side spin, but most likely I'll feel better tomorrow. I know how incredibly self centered this all sounds. I feel like when I can the ones that do care I'm just bugging them. I'm having one of my incredibly insecure moments.