Well, called the psychiatrist on Tuesday and he said to stop taking the lamactal. I am now only taking one medication. Of course that is till I see him again and he puts me on something else. I have been a little off this last couple weeks since going off the depacote. More mood swings, and anxiety. I had to increase my calm down medications since I am not on anything else. I am on vacation which doesn't help matters. I don't like change, large crowds, or being out of my routine. Thus vacations,although fun, are not relaxing. I am doing better today just need to try to sleep a decent nights sleep. I know I should be quoting Bible verses about trusting God, but this is my honest place here. I felt very defeated yesterday. Frustrating to realize that some things will never change no matter what you do. Yes, God is in control and still on the throne. Yes, he for some unknown reason put me in this world with this set of parents. Just don't want to be doomed to repeat their mistakes with my own children. Just don't want to be doomed to become like them. Just need a huge helping of God's grace and strength knowing that I can't handle any of this myself. That really is the only reason I can imagine. He did it so I would need him. So I would have to depend on Him.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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