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The Battle Within

" Ye did run well; who did hinder you that ye should not obey the truth?" Galations 5:7 Before I wrote today, I decided to read my Bible. I've been struggling a lot lately with that. Shocking, Huh? Well, I am human and sometimes the selfishness inside me wins the battle. What battle you ask? Well, duh as my Pastor would say(:. I think duh is rude, but I'm trying to be witty here so I'll allow it. Each and every day I have a battle inside my own mind. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm schizophrenic, but I can almost hear the voice of the Spirit battling against the voice of my flesh. Sometimes, it seems like a literal voice in the sense that I'm very aware of what God wants me to be doing. Sometimes, I just tune out His voice completely. Like a three year old with my hands on my ears. If I cover my ears I can pretend, "I can't hear you," Of course it is the very ignoring of God's voice that makes me just a little bit crazy(:. I feel terrible knowing full well I am doing the wrong thing. Doesn't the weight of your sin ever overwhelm you? Well, it does me. Sometimes, I can't bear to look at myself. Of course the complicated part is the whole "all things through Christ part." I have to yield to the Spirit so He can help me do the right thing. I can't do it myself. But I might wake up tomorrow and make the same bad choices all over again. That can be very discouraging. I guess I want to understand how to balance the being thankful for God's Purpose with listening to His rebuke. I don't want to feel guilty or defeated all the time. I don't want to be buried in miserable memories either. Sometimes, my mind just plays tricks on me and it is a struggle to "obey the truth." Of course in order to obey it; I have to first hear it. That's heavy stuff, Huh. What I want to do today, "Pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep." The fact that I won't actually do that is progress. I am going to put real clothes on and go do more laundry. I get lonely in the summer. It's weird. We need the break from the business, but the break is almost too much each year. I have to make plans to go places and do things. Do regular Moms battle this too or just us mental cases. Oh, well I needed to vent. I feel the weight of loneliness and discouragement. Maybe I still don't accept that my family(extended) is disjointed and unloving. Maybe I am just expecting too much. But it makes me sick in the pit of my stomach to love people who can't love back. It just doesn't make sense. I struggle with how to let that go. But I should be thankful because God gave me family and friends for this part of my life. I need to let the other ones go. As for God, He is my hope and my strength. I cling to the promise that I am His.

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