" Ye did run well; who did hinder you that ye should not obey the truth?" Galations 5:7 Before I wrote today, I decided to read my Bible. I've been struggling a lot lately with that. Shocking, Huh? Well, I am human and sometimes the selfishness inside me wins the battle. What battle you ask? Well, duh as my Pastor would say(:. I think duh is rude, but I'm trying to be witty here so I'll allow it. Each and every day I have a battle inside my own mind. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm schizophrenic, but I can almost hear the voice of the Spirit battling against the voice of my flesh. Sometimes, it seems like a literal voice in the sense that I'm very aware of what God wants me to be doing. Sometimes, I just tune out His voice completely. Like a three year old with my hands on my ears. If I cover my ears I can pretend, "I can't hear you," Of course it is the very ignoring of God's voice that makes me just a little bit crazy(:. I feel terrible knowing full well I am doing the wrong thing. Doesn't the weight of your sin ever overwhelm you? Well, it does me. Sometimes, I can't bear to look at myself. Of course the complicated part is the whole "all things through Christ part." I have to yield to the Spirit so He can help me do the right thing. I can't do it myself. But I might wake up tomorrow and make the same bad choices all over again. That can be very discouraging. I guess I want to understand how to balance the being thankful for God's Purpose with listening to His rebuke. I don't want to feel guilty or defeated all the time. I don't want to be buried in miserable memories either. Sometimes, my mind just plays tricks on me and it is a struggle to "obey the truth." Of course in order to obey it; I have to first hear it. That's heavy stuff, Huh. What I want to do today, "Pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep." The fact that I won't actually do that is progress. I am going to put real clothes on and go do more laundry. I get lonely in the summer. It's weird. We need the break from the business, but the break is almost too much each year. I have to make plans to go places and do things. Do regular Moms battle this too or just us mental cases. Oh, well I needed to vent. I feel the weight of loneliness and discouragement. Maybe I still don't accept that my family(extended) is disjointed and unloving. Maybe I am just expecting too much. But it makes me sick in the pit of my stomach to love people who can't love back. It just doesn't make sense. I struggle with how to let that go. But I should be thankful because God gave me family and friends for this part of my life. I need to let the other ones go. As for God, He is my hope and my strength. I cling to the promise that I am His.
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
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