School's out and this Mom is glad. We still have a few things to get ready for the evaluator and school district, but I am going to take a day off. I am cool with cleaning my house, washing clothes. Just need a break from the heavy stuff. We are getting ready for a birthday so there is plenty to do. Yes, I stayed up way too late and tomorrow I am going to read a book while doing the laundry and making yogurt. No other real big projects until at least Tuesday. I would like a day when we don't go anywhere. Running, running, and feeling stressed. I could feel my thoughts starting to race at night. I know it was just system overload. Now for system shut-down. No, I am not a robot. I realize when you journal at 1:30 in the morning things don't sound all that sophisticated. Oh well! Racing thoughts is when I am thinking way too fast and I can't quite figure out what's in my head anymore. I don't really have to be particularly worried about anything. Just over-processed. I think it is one of many aspects of mental illness that people don't really understand.
And here is my rant for the day... I find myself in an old unhealthy pattern. Being used by people that really don't seem to care about my needs at all. I want to help others, but I don't like being used. Is it possible I'm overreacting or could some people really do that without realizing they are truly hurting me. I know I am the queen of naive, but I try to think the best of others. However, there is this one person that only contacts me when she needs something. She doesn't come to our house for get-to-gethers. She doesn't open up to me about anything personal. I get the feeling that she somehow disapproves of me. Probably thinks I will be a bad influence on her children. Of course, I haven't told her this because sometimes my head invents problems that don't really exist. For the four people who actually read my blog..don't try to guess, you don't know her(: I just wonder if it isn't time to be honest and start taking better care of myself. Not in a selfish sort of way, but in a I have feelings too sort of way. I'm just not sure how to do it without sounding like a child who didn't get picked for a team in gym class. Sometimes, I still feel like that little girl and I know that's not healthy.
And this person has been in my life for a long time so she may not see me as the person I have become, but rather the person she thinks I am.
As a kid I watched my parents fight about different things. I don't really have any other parents to compare them to so I can't really say whether they were normal fights couples have or not. I couldn't even say what most of them were about except the ones that were about me. We only ate as a family on holidays. My father came home late so we kids ate without him. I do remember spending time with him in the evening before I went to bed so it couldn't have been that late. My own husband gets home a little later because of his job commute so we eat late every night. But home schooling has given us the ability to be more flexible than my Mom was able to be. We had school early the next day. As I got older, I remember my Father being home less and less and the fights seemed to intensify. I remember one night when I was thirteen. I could hear them yelling through the wall. My mom found me crying and I told her I didn't want them to get a divorce. She told me...
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