School's out and this Mom is glad. We still have a few things to get ready for the evaluator and school district, but I am going to take a day off. I am cool with cleaning my house, washing clothes. Just need a break from the heavy stuff. We are getting ready for a birthday so there is plenty to do. Yes, I stayed up way too late and tomorrow I am going to read a book while doing the laundry and making yogurt. No other real big projects until at least Tuesday. I would like a day when we don't go anywhere. Running, running, and feeling stressed. I could feel my thoughts starting to race at night. I know it was just system overload. Now for system shut-down. No, I am not a robot. I realize when you journal at 1:30 in the morning things don't sound all that sophisticated. Oh well! Racing thoughts is when I am thinking way too fast and I can't quite figure out what's in my head anymore. I don't really have to be particularly worried about anything. Just over-processed. I think it is one of many aspects of mental illness that people don't really understand.
And here is my rant for the day... I find myself in an old unhealthy pattern. Being used by people that really don't seem to care about my needs at all. I want to help others, but I don't like being used. Is it possible I'm overreacting or could some people really do that without realizing they are truly hurting me. I know I am the queen of naive, but I try to think the best of others. However, there is this one person that only contacts me when she needs something. She doesn't come to our house for get-to-gethers. She doesn't open up to me about anything personal. I get the feeling that she somehow disapproves of me. Probably thinks I will be a bad influence on her children. Of course, I haven't told her this because sometimes my head invents problems that don't really exist. For the four people who actually read my blog..don't try to guess, you don't know her(: I just wonder if it isn't time to be honest and start taking better care of myself. Not in a selfish sort of way, but in a I have feelings too sort of way. I'm just not sure how to do it without sounding like a child who didn't get picked for a team in gym class. Sometimes, I still feel like that little girl and I know that's not healthy.
And this person has been in my life for a long time so she may not see me as the person I have become, but rather the person she thinks I am.
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
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