Is it just a bad day or the sign that bad times are just beginning. You see before I was "bipolar" I didn't worry about that. I had a bad mood and it was just a bad mood. Now I know if I am overly angry, irritable or emotional that it can also be a sign of a season of hypo mania or depression. I do have type one bipolar, but that doesn't mean I don't get hypo mania. Mini mania episodes. Days or hours of slightly heightened mood followed by insomnia, weepiness, and irritability. I just don't know when to react and take action and when to relax and see what tomorrow brings. I have decided to give it a day and see how that goes knowing I have made the necessary changes to get things calmed down. If that doesn't work, I am calling the doctor and increasing my medication. I have been on a low dose for a year now due to some side effects of the medication. I always said I would increase if necessary to stabilize. It is hard not to feel like a failure when this happens. As if I did something wrong to make it happen. Maybe I did, but it sure wasn't intentional. After effects of my latest meltdown. I am tired and sad. I took a zanex or I wouldn't be tired at all. I am canceling everything unnecessary until I feel more like my normal. Like a switch flipped on or off, I could wake up feeling normal. It felt like a switch went off today, but I recognize that there has been a slow increased mood shift over several weeks. Probably my meds slowed it down, but did not prevent it.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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