I guess my episode has been coming on slowly for several weeks and I didn't realize or I would have tried to increase my medication sooner. Of course not being aware that you are really not okay is part of being bipolar. I don't want to be manic or depressed, but sometimes I just don't see the warning signs. I am now super anxious. Tried going out today and besides being overly irritable like yesterday, everything has a haze. That happens when I am extremely anxious. I struggle to go and do the simplest little things. One trip to an uncrowded mall and I felt like I could barely see straight. I thought taking a break from my kids by myself would be good for me, but I didn't realize my own symptoms had escalated. I did increase my medication yesterday, but it will take more than a day to see benefits. And yes, I believe God is able as always. This type of anxiousness is not worry in the traditional sense. It is just an irrational fear of the things around me. Once I can identify that fear; it will go away. Because it is not rational to think that the people around me are attacking me like alien invaders. If you spell it out it really does seem quite ridiculous. But why do OCD patients count things or touch every crack they pass? Mental illness is unique to the individual. Mine causes irrational fears. So I need to pray for God to help me to see what's true when I am being bombarded by what isn't. I will also pray that this episode will end quickly. "But God is faithful Who will not tempt us above that which we are able..."
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
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