Every year this is bitter sweet. I laugh and cry off and on like a crazy woman. My emotions are just too loose. I know it isn't just me that deals with it. Maybe it's unrealistic expectations. Maybe it's sad reminders. I really don't know. It just is so weird. We stress out about this bills and the events. We try to stop long enough to enjoy the family. And here I sit in the middle of it all as if I am not here at all. I really need to fight to be present in what IS. I don't expect everyone out there to understand that. I am not sure I even do. I know God must understand it or there wouldn't be so many words of comfort in Scripture. But right now I want to hide away from everyone and everything. At the same time; I don't. It's that constant battle being REAL.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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