Every year this is bitter sweet. I laugh and cry off and on like a crazy woman. My emotions are just too loose. I know it isn't just me that deals with it. Maybe it's unrealistic expectations. Maybe it's sad reminders. I really don't know. It just is so weird. We stress out about this bills and the events. We try to stop long enough to enjoy the family. And here I sit in the middle of it all as if I am not here at all. I really need to fight to be present in what IS. I don't expect everyone out there to understand that. I am not sure I even do. I know God must understand it or there wouldn't be so many words of comfort in Scripture. But right now I want to hide away from everyone and everything. At the same time; I don't. It's that constant battle being REAL.
As a kid I watched my parents fight about different things. I don't really have any other parents to compare them to so I can't really say whether they were normal fights couples have or not. I couldn't even say what most of them were about except the ones that were about me. We only ate as a family on holidays. My father came home late so we kids ate without him. I do remember spending time with him in the evening before I went to bed so it couldn't have been that late. My own husband gets home a little later because of his job commute so we eat late every night. But home schooling has given us the ability to be more flexible than my Mom was able to be. We had school early the next day. As I got older, I remember my Father being home less and less and the fights seemed to intensify. I remember one night when I was thirteen. I could hear them yelling through the wall. My mom found me crying and I told her I didn't want them to get a divorce. She told me...
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