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White Noise

Sometimes moments of my life become nothing, but white noise. I suppose for some people that would be a comforting sound, but I never did enjoy the sound. I am not talking about your fan humming; I mean loud monotonous noise like an old television or buzzing flies. The kind of sound that almost makes your skin crawl. That is what it feels like when I am having an anxiety attack in a room full of people. Their voices all sound distant and seem to buzz. Other times the white noise isn't so easy to identify. Like when youn hear a dripping water, but you cannot find the source. Picture a room full of people. If you are engaged in the conversation, you are enjoying their company. All of a sudden you hear everyone talking at once, but their voices seem very far away. All those voices begin to blend and sound like buzzing flies. Okay so that's the crowd explanation. Picture that same sensation inside your head. When my mind begins to race, it is as if there are flies stuck up in my brain. I cannot decipher my thoughts in a way that makes any sense. It almost hurts. This is why I have to try to keep low stress as much as possible. When I can't seem to calm things down on my own, I have these wonderful gross tasting pills which do the job rather well. I hardly ever use them, but wouldn't you if you had flies inside your brain? This is just my silly way of explaining my most common struggle with bipolar to my readers. I really appreciate the patience and understanding of my close friends and family. How do you explain to someone I love you, but you're making my head spin right now? You can't really. I have found that as long as I stay engaged in the activity around me, I don't become stressed. Also, sometimes disengaging and refreshing my mind can help me to refocus. My husband does that often and I used to think it was rude, but now I find myself doing it as well. Listening to music through head phones or playing a electronic game for a few minutes are some examples. I would much rather be a little rude for a few minutes then have some embarrassing melt down in front of my family. Who knows maybe some of my tricks will help some of you normal people stay sane.

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