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Adrift

I sometimes feel like I am drifting in and out of places without a place to land. I find it hard to NOT say exactly what I am thinking and feeling. This isn't easy for regular people to deal with(:. I find myself holding back pieces of my true nature. I am uncertain when it is safe to relax and land. It is frustrating. As comfortable as I am in my own family, I am concerned that if I don't venture out of my comfort zone I could end up lonely. I need friends outside of them. I do have friends, however, not enough. My problem is just knowing people. I know lots of people just on the surface. We had that same issue growing up. It used to really bug me. People at church who would smile and ask, "How are you?." You know what you are supposed to say. "Fine." I'd be thinking, "What do you care, you don't know us." You don't know that my father comes home late at night and tells my Mom she's crazy. I didn't know what they were fighting about at the time just that they had problems. Now, my husband and children, and I are far from perfect, but we don't have issues like my parents did. We really are happy and content when it is just us. I need more though. I want to give more of myself too. It isn't just some desire to get attention. I want to share in others lives. Build each other up and encourage each other along. Finding friends who share like faith and goals is difficult. I know God has a purpose for my life in all and with all that happens. I do NOT always understand that purpose. I have to be careful what I share in my honesty so that people do not just feel sorry for me the mental girl. I am not truly that. I know that most of my struggles are far from unusual or different. I know that most days I do not have panic attacks, serious depression, or manic behavior. I am stable mentally. My ups and downs are not anymore extreme than anyone else's. I spent weeks, months even, accepting that I do have mental illness. Now, I need to spend some time realizing that I am not ill. That sounds weird I know, but if you have had a serious illness scare that went away you might be able to understand. No, mental illness is not cancer. I realize that. Just imagine, put yourself in my shoes for a second. You cannot concentrate. You start forgetting things, losing your short term memory. You can't remember your birthday. You get lost on your own street. You stop making complete sentences. My fear is THAT happening again. I get a taste of it whenever I start to get overwhelmed and a bit manic. I start to get lost easier, forget things. That is MY reality. Most of the time it isn't an issue. The maybe is always out there. Like a cancer patient in remission. I know losing your mind isn't dying, but to live in that reality isn't living. I have this great compassion for Al timers patients. I feel like I can understand what their lives must be like. It is frustrating to lose your ability to recall the simplest things. Back to the reality. I am NOT ill anymore. Just in remission. I have to figure out how to live. I want to stop hiding out in my house and figure out what God has for me to do. I am glad for this place where I can be completely honest without fear of judgement.

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