I went to see the movie, Mom's Night Out with some other home school Moms tonight. While I do not avicate getting wisdom from a movie, it was very encouraging. However, what was most encouraging was just being with some friends who are not afraid to say it isn't always easy to be a Mom. We WANT to be home with our kids, but we are not always happy about it. It was neat to have some of my "bad place" thoughts spoken out loud from someone who seems completely normal. I get it in my head that somehow regular people don't have thoughts like, " I am not enough." Or " I don't really matter." To see someone pretty normal express those thoughts(referring to the main character in the movie), makes me think that maybe I was being way too hard on myself. Not only do I have the thoughts, (in this case,the thought was, I am not needed, I could disappear and no one would no I was missing.) but I also have decided that that constitutes a level of crazy that goes beyond normal. That just makes dealing with it all that much greater. Now, I have the I am crazy notion on top of the other. We all have stuff that we face each and every day. We all have challenges. Sometimes those can weigh us down so much that it is difficult to get up and go in the morning or in my case, go to bed at night. I kept going over and over all these dark unhealthy thoughts on Saturday. I prayed, read my Bible and asked God for help. I cried some and went to bed. Next day, I found myself very tired and emotional for Mother's Day. I went to church and the songs were about God caring for us and understanding us. The Pastor's message was about what the world says motherhood is and what God says it is. Everything I needed to hear. I didn't feel magicly better, but I was trying to get there. I guess my next thought following all this is this. You truely do not know what someone else is going through. You don't know if their dog just died or they are experiencing a health scare. You don't know if they are feeling sad because they are missing a loved one who died on this day. You just don't know and they won't tell you. If we can just love each other it will go along way to lifting each other up. I am thankful for the very few people in my life who can do just that for me. I try to do that for others too.
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
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