For me, my biggest enemy is the things I believe to be true which are actually false. I have struggled with the friends thing some more, but I really think the biggest issue is how I see myself. If the ugly talk starts going, nothing good can come of it. Why am I talking about this here. Well, I think that this is one of those things that everyone struggles with in one way or another, but never talk about it. You think you look fat because someone told you that when you were ten. You think your eyes are too narrow or something is wrong with your walk. Granted, I do not think all of those personally, but I wanted to give relate able examples. Mine would be, "Everyone thinks I'm dump." "No, one wants me here." Where did my lies come from? History. I was bullied, teased and tormented as a child. Kids called me names and ignored me. I had more than one person walk up to me and say,"I don't like you." Adults would just say, "Who cares!" but the kid in me still struggles with this. I am still trying to tell that little girl that everything is going to be okay. It steals away the joy I have for right now. Just being weighed down by bad memories and unkind words of others said long ago. I do not truly know if my friends think I am dumb or not, but I AM NOT. I simply have to start believing that. And as for the other, I am beginning to think that I just need to stop trying. I just totally give up. I am not trying to please, be accepted, "fit in", anymore. I am a unique. I care about people very much, but I am just done trying to be like any of them. Just frustrating. I am soooo done. If they cannot or do not like who I am then I am just going to make new friends. Maybe there are some out there who will actually listen to me. And trust me enough to tell me things too. I am sure I will calm down in time, but right now I need this vent. I need to say how frustrated I am. I don't need to be seen by the whole world, but I am asking God to show me what His purpose is for me beyond the brick walls of my house. I love working with children and that is something I do well. I just do not relate well to women my own age. That is what happens when you spend all your time with boys(:. Boys are so much easier. Give them food and video games and they are good to go. No emotions, No expectations. No Drama. I think the nursery rhyme got it wrong. Girls are the snails and puppy dogs tails.
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
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