Today I lost it. Tears spilling down my face a full blown panic attack during Bible study. I could not go in that room full of women. Feeling alone and emotional I started to flee. One of the leaders stopped me to talk to me till I calmed down. I can't say that I really felt,"Glad I stayed," but it is usually best to go through an attack rather than hide from one. Likely the next time I feel that way(there will be a next time) I will be able to calm down quicker. Today I was really just tired. I feel that struggle there every week, but it does not usually cause panic or tears. Is there something about the love chapter that the devil does not want me to hear? I know I need the reminder as much as anyone. I don't think my lack of female connection is everyone else's fault. I know it's me. I get it. I just don't do female relationships well. Even the friends I have probably are limited by my focusing issues. If they spent some time with my brain they might understand. It's a mess up there. Dear God have mercy and make a way of escape for me that I can bear this. I don't want pity glances. I just want love and acceptance. Maybe a laugh. That is enough. Cause I don't have it so bad. Truly I have a bucket of blessing here whether I feel it or not. Maybe Bible study isn't my thing. I like the Bible study part(:. Just not the other stuff.
Have to pack my bag for tomorrow. Spending a morning with my friends kiddos is just the medicine I need.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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