Today I lost it. Tears spilling down my face a full blown panic attack during Bible study. I could not go in that room full of women. Feeling alone and emotional I started to flee. One of the leaders stopped me to talk to me till I calmed down. I can't say that I really felt,"Glad I stayed," but it is usually best to go through an attack rather than hide from one. Likely the next time I feel that way(there will be a next time) I will be able to calm down quicker. Today I was really just tired. I feel that struggle there every week, but it does not usually cause panic or tears. Is there something about the love chapter that the devil does not want me to hear? I know I need the reminder as much as anyone. I don't think my lack of female connection is everyone else's fault. I know it's me. I get it. I just don't do female relationships well. Even the friends I have probably are limited by my focusing issues. If they spent some time with my brain they might understand. It's a mess up there. Dear God have mercy and make a way of escape for me that I can bear this. I don't want pity glances. I just want love and acceptance. Maybe a laugh. That is enough. Cause I don't have it so bad. Truly I have a bucket of blessing here whether I feel it or not. Maybe Bible study isn't my thing. I like the Bible study part(:. Just not the other stuff.
Have to pack my bag for tomorrow. Spending a morning with my friends kiddos is just the medicine I need.
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
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