It has been a long winter, but truly the sun is finally out. I don't feel so hopeless anymore. It's warm enough to exercise outside. I have started to lose weight although the progress is slow. As for the other thing, I find that I just want to be in places where I can be myself. I will have to find alternative solutions to that particular group. I need to build my confidence not tear it down more. Constantly feeling like the next thing I say will be the cause of more abandonment and isolation. It's exsosting. Yes, I say awquard, odd things sometimes, but not to hurt anyone. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am hoping reading Hebrews will help strengthen my spiritual security mentally so to speak so that I can also improve the rest. I also wish it was okay to ask for support for these issues instead of chastisement. I am not sure I can pull out of it on my own. Trying to be bold and admit that's what's really in my head right now. No, I am not in crisis just wishing I could fix the lumps instead of just pounding them down. How do I keep the ugliness I can't erase out of my head?
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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