Has anything ever happened to you that you found particularly life changing. Good or bad sometimes other people thinking it is not really that big of a deal can be really frustrating. I realized that no one could quantify my pain by their own gage. My own trauma was very real to me. To be young and all of a sudden have your innocence stomped on; to end childhood too soon. Too vague? That’s on purpose because my experience really might be no big deal to you. One of my classmates lost his mother to cancer when he was only fourteen or fifteen I think. That WAS a big deal. My father left us when I was fourteen and that was a big deal. Yet my first big deal moment came sooner. I was held down against my will. I wasn’t physically attached just terrified. He let me go then when on to torment me for months in various ways including exposing himself and trying to come after me several more times. But that wasn’t a big deal. Because I wasn’t physically hurt. I guess I went and got more specific. Yikes didn’t mean to do that. All that made me afraid of men. Maybe a good thing because my parents very uninvolved in my comings and going’s. My “all together for good” realization was that it kept me pure. It made me causous. I had to trust God to keep me safe and let’s face it, He did! I begged the boy to let me go and he did. God was there. I was okay. Even when we are terrified God is there.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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