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Find the Moments of Worth

I am full fledge into the Januaries as I am determined to call it. Not depressed exactly, but tired, weighted down, and a bit discouraged. That is why I have to find the tiniest moments of shiny jewels.  That hug from a sweet child, a bright smile from a friend, a good old belly laugh over something ridiculous, or a little encouragement for someone else. Those are my jewels this week. My faith has been shaken up a lot lately. God is still there. He isn’t going anywhere, but I definitely have struggled a lot. You see I was very sure for most of my life that I was completely worthless. Yes, I do understand we all are without God’s redemption. But post redemption I was still worthless. It was as if God’s forgiveness was conditional. I had finally taken real steps to start believing that God made me His wonderful creation for His glory and then I started to feel picked apart all over again. It was so discouraging that I didn’t want to go to church. Didn’t want to feel useless all over again. To say all this is hard, but true. I will likely battle this over and over again my entire life. Maybe excepting that reality will make it easier. I can’t imagine heaven. As active as my imagination is, heaven is beyond my understanding. If I picture the most beautiful places I have ever seen it must be more than that. Like when the sun is so bright you can feel it bounce off your eyelids. I see the value in other people. I need to see the value in myself. It sounds prideful to you maybe, but I don’t mean it to be. I can’t do anything worthwhile for God if I am stuck in a hole. Paul knew we needed to build each other up and bear each other’s burdens. I am thankful for the people who do that for me, but I need to believe God. That’s what I need help with. That His Love is mine. That He won’t throw me away. I am tired of hurting. But I am a lot happier most of the time. These are just the things of the right now I can’t say out loud.

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