I am full fledge into the Januaries as I am determined to call it. Not depressed exactly, but tired, weighted down, and a bit discouraged. That is why I have to find the tiniest moments of shiny jewels. That hug from a sweet child, a bright smile from a friend, a good old belly laugh over something ridiculous, or a little encouragement for someone else. Those are my jewels this week. My faith has been shaken up a lot lately. God is still there. He isn’t going anywhere, but I definitely have struggled a lot. You see I was very sure for most of my life that I was completely worthless. Yes, I do understand we all are without God’s redemption. But post redemption I was still worthless. It was as if God’s forgiveness was conditional. I had finally taken real steps to start believing that God made me His wonderful creation for His glory and then I started to feel picked apart all over again. It was so discouraging that I didn’t want to go to church. Didn’t want to feel useless all over again. To say all this is hard, but true. I will likely battle this over and over again my entire life. Maybe excepting that reality will make it easier. I can’t imagine heaven. As active as my imagination is, heaven is beyond my understanding. If I picture the most beautiful places I have ever seen it must be more than that. Like when the sun is so bright you can feel it bounce off your eyelids. I see the value in other people. I need to see the value in myself. It sounds prideful to you maybe, but I don’t mean it to be. I can’t do anything worthwhile for God if I am stuck in a hole. Paul knew we needed to build each other up and bear each other’s burdens. I am thankful for the people who do that for me, but I need to believe God. That’s what I need help with. That His Love is mine. That He won’t throw me away. I am tired of hurting. But I am a lot happier most of the time. These are just the things of the right now I can’t say out loud.
As a kid I watched my parents fight about different things. I don't really have any other parents to compare them to so I can't really say whether they were normal fights couples have or not. I couldn't even say what most of them were about except the ones that were about me. We only ate as a family on holidays. My father came home late so we kids ate without him. I do remember spending time with him in the evening before I went to bed so it couldn't have been that late. My own husband gets home a little later because of his job commute so we eat late every night. But home schooling has given us the ability to be more flexible than my Mom was able to be. We had school early the next day. As I got older, I remember my Father being home less and less and the fights seemed to intensify. I remember one night when I was thirteen. I could hear them yelling through the wall. My mom found me crying and I told her I didn't want them to get a divorce. She told me...
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