I am full fledge into the Januaries as I am determined to call it. Not depressed exactly, but tired, weighted down, and a bit discouraged. That is why I have to find the tiniest moments of shiny jewels. That hug from a sweet child, a bright smile from a friend, a good old belly laugh over something ridiculous, or a little encouragement for someone else. Those are my jewels this week. My faith has been shaken up a lot lately. God is still there. He isn’t going anywhere, but I definitely have struggled a lot. You see I was very sure for most of my life that I was completely worthless. Yes, I do understand we all are without God’s redemption. But post redemption I was still worthless. It was as if God’s forgiveness was conditional. I had finally taken real steps to start believing that God made me His wonderful creation for His glory and then I started to feel picked apart all over again. It was so discouraging that I didn’t want to go to church. Didn’t want to feel useless all over again. To say all this is hard, but true. I will likely battle this over and over again my entire life. Maybe excepting that reality will make it easier. I can’t imagine heaven. As active as my imagination is, heaven is beyond my understanding. If I picture the most beautiful places I have ever seen it must be more than that. Like when the sun is so bright you can feel it bounce off your eyelids. I see the value in other people. I need to see the value in myself. It sounds prideful to you maybe, but I don’t mean it to be. I can’t do anything worthwhile for God if I am stuck in a hole. Paul knew we needed to build each other up and bear each other’s burdens. I am thankful for the people who do that for me, but I need to believe God. That’s what I need help with. That His Love is mine. That He won’t throw me away. I am tired of hurting. But I am a lot happier most of the time. These are just the things of the right now I can’t say out loud.
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
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