Skip to main content

Find the Moments of Worth

I am full fledge into the Januaries as I am determined to call it. Not depressed exactly, but tired, weighted down, and a bit discouraged. That is why I have to find the tiniest moments of shiny jewels.  That hug from a sweet child, a bright smile from a friend, a good old belly laugh over something ridiculous, or a little encouragement for someone else. Those are my jewels this week. My faith has been shaken up a lot lately. God is still there. He isn’t going anywhere, but I definitely have struggled a lot. You see I was very sure for most of my life that I was completely worthless. Yes, I do understand we all are without God’s redemption. But post redemption I was still worthless. It was as if God’s forgiveness was conditional. I had finally taken real steps to start believing that God made me His wonderful creation for His glory and then I started to feel picked apart all over again. It was so discouraging that I didn’t want to go to church. Didn’t want to feel useless all over again. To say all this is hard, but true. I will likely battle this over and over again my entire life. Maybe excepting that reality will make it easier. I can’t imagine heaven. As active as my imagination is, heaven is beyond my understanding. If I picture the most beautiful places I have ever seen it must be more than that. Like when the sun is so bright you can feel it bounce off your eyelids. I see the value in other people. I need to see the value in myself. It sounds prideful to you maybe, but I don’t mean it to be. I can’t do anything worthwhile for God if I am stuck in a hole. Paul knew we needed to build each other up and bear each other’s burdens. I am thankful for the people who do that for me, but I need to believe God. That’s what I need help with. That His Love is mine. That He won’t throw me away. I am tired of hurting. But I am a lot happier most of the time. These are just the things of the right now I can’t say out loud.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Kid Perspective

As a kid I watched my parents fight about different things. I don't really have any other parents to compare them to so I can't really say whether they were normal fights couples have or not. I couldn't even say what most of them were about except the ones that were about me. We only ate as a family on holidays. My father came home late so we kids ate without him. I do remember spending time with him in the evening before I went to bed so it couldn't have been that late. My own husband gets home a little later because of his job commute so we eat late every night. But home schooling has given us the ability to be more flexible than my Mom was able to be. We had school early the next day. As I got older, I remember my Father being home less and less and the fights seemed to intensify. I remember one night when I was thirteen. I could hear them yelling through the wall. My mom found me crying and I told her I didn't want them to get a divorce. She told me...
3 comments
Read more

Up Again

Here I am awake again when I should be asleep. I am going to try to make it to bed before two tonight. I had an anxiety attach yesterday when my old psychiatrist office through a clerical error dropped me like a rock. I was supposed to have an appointment with a new doc all lined up, but first they lost the date in the computer and then they told me that the appointment should not have been made because the doctor was not willing to take on any more patients. The thing is I have been with that practice for three years now and they were supposed to refer me to another doctor not drop me and say call around and find someone else. Needless to say I did not handle it well. I like to plan ahead as much as possible. I had previously tried to find a new psych on my own and was having difficulty finding any. I had resigned myself to making due with the one there for the time being. I am going somewhere else now, but I am unsure how long the process will now take. I need new medication in a...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Dark Place

I hate it when my mind insists on going there. The Dark place that is. You know the recesses of your mind where all the ugly stuff is hiding. I spent years of my early life stuffing the bad stuff away somewhere and pretending it wasn't there. It would peak out of the drawers and I would slam them shut again. Now my mind is this place where someone dumped out all the files and they are mixed up all over the floor. Sounds like fun doesn't it? I never know which file is going to get opened up next. I can't hide anything cause it's too mixed up. Today the files were opening up too many bad memories and I ask myself what on earth is going on. I am trying to be positive because with my tendency to exaggerate it isn't as bad as it seems. It is harder to do that when you get dumped a stack of stinky papers. I tried reading my Bible and praying, but it is hard to see the comfort when the guilt bus is parked out front. I have some work to do. Hopefully, next time I can be mor...
2 comments
Read more