My oldest has always been the kid that had to have an answer for everything including a complete explanation. I have always tried my best with that, there were times when I had to say just do it. Sometimes there isn’t time for an explanation right then. Not surprising now that he is older he is beginning to question God the same. Yet he doesn’t have the patience to listen to the answers or accept the ones he doesn’t like. So this Mamma is very concerned and my heart hurts. I don’t understand why most of the time when it comes to God, but I guess I am okay with that. I don’t consider myself to be extremely intellectual, and as a result it doesn’t bother me that I can’t understand everything there is to know. I feel like in some ways God is the only Thing that makes sense. I have been trying to get through this kids head that faith isn’t intellectual. I don’t trust God because some scientific formula told me it was a good idea. I don’t understand so many things people do. But God! But God just being there makes sense. He is the voice in my head down deep. The one that stops me before I say that unkind word or urges me to say something kind. I wonder though. Maybe it is refusing to accept rather than true unbelief. When I was first diagnosed with bipolar it was a huge blow and I went through this whole process to get to this place. The place I am in now I mean which is beyond acceptance. It is thanksgiving. Saying You have done this on purpose for purpose. But my sweet boy is still in the stage of not seeing himself for the gift that he is. And perhaps until he does, he won’t be able to accept how much God loves him. Because I still struggle with that too. We are taught so much about being selfless that we don’t learn how to see ourselves through God’s lenses.
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
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