Trying to help my child to understand that pain isn’t always bad. Beautiful things can come from pain. That might be a lesson I cannot teach him. Tonight I sit here recovering from my latest manic episode. I had to force myself to calm down. I sometimes hate that this IS my life. I can’t fix what is broken. I have to hope that God can keep on using my broken pieces for some purpose. I don’t have to understand. The hardest part lately has just been the daily struggle to feel a little bit of joy. I felt like I was trying to run in the swimming pool. Accomplishing nothing I kept waisting energy. The moment I tried to improve what was pulling me down, the task itself threw me into a manic overload. Now I sit in the forced calm knowing I probably won’t finish anything. This is hard. I shut people out because they cannot handle the reality that is my life. Because I have to protect myself from being hurt all over again. That means little or No support. That makes the isolation larger. I am trying to repair my fractured faith. I pray every day. I want to believe that God is still greater. That He won’t drop me like everyone else does. I will cry to Him in the darkest as I always do. He is still here. I am being melodramatic because it helps me calm down my mind to empty it all out. When things are overloaded, I need to release the pressure. I know there are people out there who DO understand exactly what I am saying. I saw comment someone made about a bipolar family member creating a toxic environment. It makes me a bit paranoid to think it may be hopeless. That we who struggle this disease (yes,I am calling it a disease), can do the therapy, take the pills, and still be considered toxic. But truth, no one is calling me toxic. That’s my paranoia talking. Most of the time that happens when people are off their medication. It kind seems like having the mind of a baby. They get overstimulated and end up in tears. Maybe our brains are just not processing information correctly. Okay tired now. Tomorrow will be here soon enough.
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
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