If all I have to give isn’t enough then what does God want now? I am letting go of my child knowing how very disjointed and misguided his thinking has become. Everything we have tried to spend our life showing him is meaningless in his eyes. I remember being bitter and frustrated at his age so I am trying to be patient. I understand these doubts have to surface, but the stream of garbage information he has thrown at him in seconds over the internet. That is very hard to compete with. Praying he comes back as I have over and over. I waver. I doubt. I do because the weight of my own sin was hard for me to let go of. I still struggle with guilt. Not the normal healthy kind. The someone will shout at you if you mess up kind. My broken emotions have made repairing that difficult. I accept that we are all in progress and we can only hope to be used in our weaknesses. Tried to explain that I believe God wants to use us broken. That the struggle is part of the process. That pain isn’t all bad. But he just doesn’t get it. God isn’t the wishy washy parent of the 2000s. No God is a firm, but loving parent. He loves enough to do what is best for us even if it hurts. It hurts alright, but I just want to love Jesus. I wish I was better at it😊. Don’t you? I need some help with that because lately I don’t have much desire to do anything. The struggle is real. So my clients keep telling me,”Don’t get old.” To which I respond...”Too late it’s already happening.”
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
I'm sorry Amy. I've noticed about your son bc of his comments in SS. I could almost begin to predict his words as I've heard them before from my husband.
ReplyDeleteIn a lot of circles it seems that people think "how could God destroy people like he did in the old Testament. I wouldn't do that. I would give mercy." And without realizing it they begin to think they are better than God. But we are not Holy as he is, so true, we wouldn't do as He has done, because we just cannot fathom His purposes. Make sense?
I will keep you all in my prayers.