I can seen a beam of sun shining through the shade this morning and I think it’s a picture of my life right now. I still have the shades down, but the light is coming in. I am thankful to be glad about some things again. I got a message from my past and it sent me in a bit of a panic. My old youth leader’s wife wanted testimonials from youth group. I am like, what? I don’t remember anything. My teen years were miserable ,and although I have a few good memories, youth group wasn’t one of them. I rarely did anything with them. I gave her a tiny tidbit and that was it. I don’t want to go there. It’s past I needed to forget. I really fear my own kids will feel the same way about their childhood. When you are isolated all your formative years, you don’t learn how to form healthy relationships. My husband and I have figured it out through loads of therapy and just being both odd enough to get each other most of the time. I wish I could protect them from the damage people bring. You can do that damage without even knowing your doing it. It isn’t all cruel teasing. Some of it is just forgetting about people. Do you see them? Do you really? After a while people withdraw to save themselves the disappointment. Before you know it your a forty-four year old woman who would rather have a conversation with a five year old than try to figure out adult dynamics. But I am supposed to be positive here. I am happier at home. Because I think they are trying. It’s still a work in progress, but I am not doomed to do it alone.
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
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