I wanted to say how blessed I am. I came alone the much younger of three kids and the only girl. Often, I played by myself. I was an aquard child, unaware of personal space. This made me the weird girl early on. Sure, in the beginning I fought it, but eventually embraced it. Even as an adult, I realize that my role out there is different. Because I was teased, I stand up for the picked on. Because I was often alone, I seek out the hidden hurting people. God made me tbis way on purpose. All I really asked him for was a home. Yes, God gave me that! Do you know who I tell all my secrets to? My husband is my best friend. We have friends, but truly are closer to each other than them. No perfection! He can't fix stuff and I can't clean. He gets explosively angry and I have serious issues with taking respondibility for my own actions. We work on it every day. Here's the thing I want you to see. Almost every day he is my favorite person. Almost every day we make each other laugh. THE DAYS WE STOP TRYING,STOP WORKING those are the bad days. I have had friends in very toxic relationships. That is dangerous and I would never encourage someone to stay the course in that situation or in any abusive situation. No, this is your run of the mill he forgot to take out the garbage again marriage. OR I left egg shells on the counter again. WHY? Because the little things add up. It's not about the stuff, it's the NOT talking. Be open. be honest, but don't forget to give them grace. Don't forget to consider your own part. I will be honest. It's hard. I get "home."
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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