Repressed memories are so difficult to deal with. You can’t quite grasp them yet they still manage to cause pain. When something triggers me, I first get that sick to my stomach feeling. Then the stuff I want to forget comes hovering in. I don’t want to just shove it under until. I want it to go for good. I have forgiven, but with stuff like this, you forgive, and then do it all again. It’s not over. I don’t like to talk about the really messy stuff cause it’s like living it all over again. Even the teasing and bullying of the past, I can’t really remember. I blocked out much of that too. I know that it happened, but I can’t remember details. Looking back at it all it seems like it couldn’t of been that bad. But in reality I think I just don’t remember. What triggered me today? Someone else talking about abuse and it wasn’t severe but there was emotional manipulation and she was silenced. I was silenced. I was told I couldn’t talk about emotional abuse. I was told I couldn’t talk about sexual abuse. It didn’t matter what the severity of it was. The way it was handled made me the guilty one. And I got a bucket of shame to hold onto. Well I’m here to tell you that I don’t want the bucket. I was not guilty of those things. I might not remember all the details or not want to tell them all but I know that they happened. I know it was a big deal. Yes ,I do believe with all my heart that God worked everything together for good. Not that God did these things to me. But that he was there to protect me from worse things. And he was there to bring me away from additional harm. Ever since those incidents from my early teens I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I’m around someone that seems unsafe. It’s the weirdest thing but somehow I trust that feeling as a warning somethings not right about that person. I think before I was just so innocent I would have trusted anyone. Perhaps if I hadn’t been I might not have. OK that helped I am fine but I needed to get that off my chest so that I’m not carrying it around in my head.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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