You broke me. I don’t trust women because you broke me. I expect to be excluded, gossiped about, and ignored. I can’t seem to grasp the memories in full so much is blocked. However, it has been surfacing a lot lately. I know when entering a room is almost a panic attack that the stuff is back. I hurt someone I cared about and I couldn’t even stop it. I saw it coming. I warned her. The crash happened anyway. I know that we can’t be friends anymore anyway. That was clear before, but I wish I could have avoided saying anything to hurt her. I mess up and I try to fix it all for everyone else. I don’t know how to fix myself. I see the swarm of grown women and I see the girls that hurt me years ago. I said no to playing games back then cause kids get mad when you don’t do well. They want to win. I didn’t have the athletic ability to do well at any sport. My son did the same I noticed. He was hurt too for not being “good enough.” in sports. It’s hard to be so disjointed, but that isn’t going to change. My t has basically said I need to try to be on my best behavior. We didn’t have the what ti do when my thyroid levels are off and I am not well, talk. Cause that’s what the truth is. The waves come. I have bad days. And I beginning to believe the only solution is to isolate until it passes. This one is me talking because I need to. Okay, just waiting for my levels to calm down. As for the repressed stuff, we’ll it pushes in and out. I don’t seem to have any control over that either. I will pray about it, yes. I still believe if Psalm 139 is true then God didn’t allow these ripples in my life by accident. He is there. Even there.
As a kid I watched my parents fight about different things. I don't really have any other parents to compare them to so I can't really say whether they were normal fights couples have or not. I couldn't even say what most of them were about except the ones that were about me. We only ate as a family on holidays. My father came home late so we kids ate without him. I do remember spending time with him in the evening before I went to bed so it couldn't have been that late. My own husband gets home a little later because of his job commute so we eat late every night. But home schooling has given us the ability to be more flexible than my Mom was able to be. We had school early the next day. As I got older, I remember my Father being home less and less and the fights seemed to intensify. I remember one night when I was thirteen. I could hear them yelling through the wall. My mom found me crying and I told her I didn't want them to get a divorce. She told me...
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