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The waves come again

 You broke me. I don’t trust women because you broke me. I expect to be excluded, gossiped about, and ignored. I can’t seem to grasp the memories in full so much is blocked. However, it has been surfacing a lot lately. I know when entering a room is almost a panic attack that the stuff is back. I hurt someone I cared about and I couldn’t even stop it. I saw it coming. I warned her. The crash happened anyway. I know that we can’t be friends anymore anyway. That was clear before, but I wish I could have avoided saying anything to hurt her. I mess up and I try to fix it all for everyone else. I don’t know how to fix myself. I see the swarm of grown women and I see the girls that hurt me years ago. I said no to playing games back then cause kids get mad when you don’t do well. They want to win. I didn’t have the athletic ability to do well at any sport. My son did the same I noticed. He was hurt too for not being “good enough.” in sports. It’s hard to be so disjointed, but that isn’t going to change. My t has basically said I need to try to be on my best behavior. We didn’t have the what ti do when my thyroid levels are off and I am not well, talk. Cause that’s what the truth is. The waves come. I have bad days. And I beginning to believe the only solution is to isolate until it passes. This one is me talking because I need to. Okay, just waiting for my levels to calm down. As for the repressed stuff, we’ll it pushes in and out. I don’t seem to have any control over that either. I will pray about it, yes. I still believe if Psalm 139 is true then God didn’t allow these ripples in my life by accident. He is there. Even there.

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