You broke me. I don’t trust women because you broke me. I expect to be excluded, gossiped about, and ignored. I can’t seem to grasp the memories in full so much is blocked. However, it has been surfacing a lot lately. I know when entering a room is almost a panic attack that the stuff is back. I hurt someone I cared about and I couldn’t even stop it. I saw it coming. I warned her. The crash happened anyway. I know that we can’t be friends anymore anyway. That was clear before, but I wish I could have avoided saying anything to hurt her. I mess up and I try to fix it all for everyone else. I don’t know how to fix myself. I see the swarm of grown women and I see the girls that hurt me years ago. I said no to playing games back then cause kids get mad when you don’t do well. They want to win. I didn’t have the athletic ability to do well at any sport. My son did the same I noticed. He was hurt too for not being “good enough.” in sports. It’s hard to be so disjointed, but that isn’t going to change. My t has basically said I need to try to be on my best behavior. We didn’t have the what ti do when my thyroid levels are off and I am not well, talk. Cause that’s what the truth is. The waves come. I have bad days. And I beginning to believe the only solution is to isolate until it passes. This one is me talking because I need to. Okay, just waiting for my levels to calm down. As for the repressed stuff, we’ll it pushes in and out. I don’t seem to have any control over that either. I will pray about it, yes. I still believe if Psalm 139 is true then God didn’t allow these ripples in my life by accident. He is there. Even there.
Have you ever settled for just fine? Have you ever found yourself in pain every day and been told this is just normal for your age? After just not feeling good for a long time, I realized I was gaining weight again rapidly. I found this webinar about low thyroid and weight loss. I thought what’s the harm? I knew after that first session that I had found a solution. People have been telling me for years how they gave up sugar and felt amazing. I thought I just couldn’t do it. Now years later even before I started to watch I knew I have to give up sugar. Giving up gluten didn’t really help me because so much of the gluten free foods are loaded with sugar. Anyway, if you see me eating a chocolate bar, send help 🤣. I really want to wake up in the morning ready to start a day. Like that feeling on Christmas morning when you just can’t wait to get out of bed. What would it be like to feel like that every day? My pain is less some days than others. Exercise helps. I am thankful my God l...
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