I am doing the deep thinking asking when I was no longer good enough? When did I have to start changing to be acceptable enough to be loved. I think it started pretty early. I believed if the way I was naturally wasn’t enough. My hair wasn’t blond enough. My size wasn’t cute enough. Point. If I can figure out when this started maybe I can start to walk more freely in the body God gave me. I remember a friend telling me once that people dye their hair to be my natural color. I got tired of trying to change it. The source of the lie didn’t even intend that message. So I can stop repeating it. God knew me “before “ . He knows what He’s doing. I haven’t got any further yet so that’s all I have today.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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