I need a minute to unravel. Can I have a David moment to get out my feelings. I can’t figure out how to be well. I need new clothes because my stomach is swelling so often that my regular stuff is getting snug. Our car has been to the shop twice in two weeks and now it may be severely injured. I have been battling off and on depression for weeks. I am trying to trust God and stay thankful and positive. But if I am not aloud to say this happened and it made me feel defeated it makes it harder. Am I blind Bartimaous just broken from birth or am I getting tested? Punished? You see if I can talk it out, then I feel better. That keeps me healthy enough to avoid the hospital. But I wish I could talk about it. If that makes me a big baby and faithless heathen, then sorry. Just being honest. I pray for everyone else. Why can’t I pray for myself? Is it because I think my stuff isn’t worthy of God’s help? I guess something new to tell me therapist. I know God cares. I know He hears me. I guess I figure if my friends think I am over reacting this is no BIG deal. Then why would God care? So my prayer IS that I can just be in His wings awhile. I can’t do anything else right now.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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