Sometimes those old anxieties come back to visit . You find yourself standing there thinking, “Haven’t I already done this?” I saw something that sparked some bad memories and the spiral kept going from there. It’s frustrating to be in a good place for awhile to find yourself being pulled to a bad place once again. I don’t want to replay those unhealthy dialogues again. The truth is that I can’t change the past. It’s also true that what was then might not even be so bad if I had the whole picture. My side isn’t the whole story. I know it’s almost always better than I think it is. I am too tired to waste any more energy being anxious. This is me needing to vent and knowing I can’t actually talk about this. People don’t understand that talking it out really does help me remove the unhealthy thoughts. There’s a verse in Deuteronomy 33:27 I have been thinking on this week. There’s a hymn with it too, but I can only remember the chorus. “The eternal God is our refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms, the everlasting arms.” Sometimes when life is hard, we can take refuge in God’s arms.
As a kid I watched my parents fight about different things. I don't really have any other parents to compare them to so I can't really say whether they were normal fights couples have or not. I couldn't even say what most of them were about except the ones that were about me. We only ate as a family on holidays. My father came home late so we kids ate without him. I do remember spending time with him in the evening before I went to bed so it couldn't have been that late. My own husband gets home a little later because of his job commute so we eat late every night. But home schooling has given us the ability to be more flexible than my Mom was able to be. We had school early the next day. As I got older, I remember my Father being home less and less and the fights seemed to intensify. I remember one night when I was thirteen. I could hear them yelling through the wall. My mom found me crying and I told her I didn't want them to get a divorce. She told me...
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