Sometimes those old anxieties come back to visit . You find yourself standing there thinking, “Haven’t I already done this?” I saw something that sparked some bad memories and the spiral kept going from there. It’s frustrating to be in a good place for awhile to find yourself being pulled to a bad place once again. I don’t want to replay those unhealthy dialogues again. The truth is that I can’t change the past. It’s also true that what was then might not even be so bad if I had the whole picture. My side isn’t the whole story. I know it’s almost always better than I think it is. I am too tired to waste any more energy being anxious. This is me needing to vent and knowing I can’t actually talk about this. People don’t understand that talking it out really does help me remove the unhealthy thoughts. There’s a verse in Deuteronomy 33:27 I have been thinking on this week. There’s a hymn with it too, but I can only remember the chorus. “The eternal God is our refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms, the everlasting arms.” Sometimes when life is hard, we can take refuge in God’s arms.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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