Sometimes those old anxieties come back to visit . You find yourself standing there thinking, “Haven’t I already done this?” I saw something that sparked some bad memories and the spiral kept going from there. It’s frustrating to be in a good place for awhile to find yourself being pulled to a bad place once again. I don’t want to replay those unhealthy dialogues again. The truth is that I can’t change the past. It’s also true that what was then might not even be so bad if I had the whole picture. My side isn’t the whole story. I know it’s almost always better than I think it is. I am too tired to waste any more energy being anxious. This is me needing to vent and knowing I can’t actually talk about this. People don’t understand that talking it out really does help me remove the unhealthy thoughts. There’s a verse in Deuteronomy 33:27 I have been thinking on this week. There’s a hymn with it too, but I can only remember the chorus. “The eternal God is our refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms, the everlasting arms.” Sometimes when life is hard, we can take refuge in God’s arms.
I am trying to stop the people pleasing. Doing for others is wonderful when it’s healthy, but I now recognize there’s a line I shouldn’t cross. Problem is that I don’t always see the line. I asked for something today and yes, I felt guilty. Then I felt guilty for feeling guilty. Ug! This weekend I saw my limit come and go so I did walk away from some responsibilities I was unable to do. It felt good to be strong enough to do that and two days later I am a wimp again. Regardless, it’s on me to be honest not on my friends and family to guess. So trying and sometimes failing. I am thankful that God is still working. I realized that although it’s small, I have changed. All that to say, don’t give up on people too quickly.
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