It’s been another rough month. I keep getting blockages in my colon which cause my stomach to swell up and then my clothes barely fit. Ate a bunch of fruits and veggies last week, but that didn’t stop the symptoms from coming. I feel trapped in a broken body, and I truly don’t know the solution. I have tried many things. I am praying and I have been prayed over. I guess there’s a reason I don’t understand. Sometimes a little suffering helps me understand others better. The hardest part isn’t the embarrassing stomach, but not being able to talk about it. Because it sounds too complainie. But I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about anything right now. You could remind me that it’s probably my fault because I exploded toxicity all over the place. That may be true. I am trying so hard NOT to do that, but to be honest and authenticly myself and see everyone else’s needs first. That’s a lot. I do one and there’s no room for the other. I want to pay attention to everyone else. And honestly I don’t want to share myself with people who feel so distant. That leaves me with no one. Welcome to mental illness. Not a fun ride most of the time. People are often afraid of me. Makes me feel pretty awful. 😢 I just need to write it out so that it isn’t a thought swirling around in my head. I know God love me. I know God gave me a purpose. God is using me even now to bless people suffering so much more than I ever do. So to God be the glory. Whatever happens I take no thought for tomorrow because tomorrow will care for itself. (Luke 6). If you see this know that YOU matter to God who made you. He promised to never leave me.
I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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