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No One Will Hear Me

 It’s been another rough month. I keep getting blockages in my colon which cause my stomach to swell up and then my clothes barely fit. Ate a bunch of fruits and veggies last week, but that didn’t stop the symptoms from coming.  I feel trapped in a broken body, and I truly don’t know the solution. I have tried many things. I am praying and I have been prayed over. I guess there’s a reason I don’t understand. Sometimes a little suffering helps me understand others better. The hardest part isn’t the embarrassing stomach, but not being able to talk about it. Because it sounds too complainie. But I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about anything right now. You could remind me that it’s probably my fault because I exploded toxicity all over the place. That may be true. I am trying so hard NOT to do that, but to be honest and authenticly myself and see everyone else’s needs first. That’s a lot. I do one and there’s no room for the other. I want to pay attention to everyone else. And
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Time for a Reset

 I feel the need to vent some feelings. I haven’t seen my therapist in months because she’s taken a leave of absence. My mind is overwhelmed and I really want to dig a whole and jump in. The election is a dumpster fire. I have no respect for any of the people I have to choose from to vote. It’s all a game to them, but this is our life. Disaster devastation is ongoing from hurricane Helene at the moment. War overseas is ongoing. People are fighting for the right to live outside the boxes of God’s design. It really is the beginning of  end. Yet I wake up feeling dread and struggling to get up. I feel broken in ways that can’t be fixed. I know God hasn’t left me, but the more anxious I become the further away He feels. Psalm121 comes to mind,” I will lift up my eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD which made heaven and earth.”( Psalm 121:1-2) I am off to look to the hills. Hopefully tomorrow I can think differently.
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New Lenses

 I wear glasses and after a whole day my vision will start to get blurry. I realize that my lenses aren’t clean anymore. I am trying to see through spots. I thought this would make a great analogy as we think about the world before us. Some people look out and can only see darkness, wickedness, and destruction. Maybe we need new lenses. Not that there isn’t any or tons of wickedness, but that there is a greater purpose for our still walking this earth. We can’t see that if we are stuck in our negative reflections. So what are those spots you ask? Unforgiveness, cultural differences, misunderstandings, our own convictions, or self righteousness.  I am not suggesting that we immerse ourselves into things that we know are wrong. I am suggesting that we focus on Jesus first and see what happens. Whether we are with our church family or out and about it may help to see things through Jesus rather than through our stuff. 
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God’s Ways Not Ours

 I’m sure you’ve heard that God has a sense of humor. I was hurting over a situation I am going to leave unwritten at the moment. I felt all the old hurts so fresh all at once. That’s how it goes sometimes. Anyway. I was crying out to God saying please don’t ask me to do this again. He sent an unexpected phone call. And just the fact that a person who never calls me would call me at that moment. That’s God saying I will help you in ways you don’t expect. Because that is how he works. I got through today. Tomorrow can take care of itself. That’s all I have for now.
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Taking Care

 A stranger told me recently that I don’t value myself. She was some kind of natural doctor. Fact is she wasn’t too far off the mark. I am into a second week with diverticulitis flair up. I passed out in the middle of the night. This morning I feel tired and sore. I am thankful I didn’t injure myself just laid down on the floor. I went to church this morning to do my children’s church duties, but no kids today so I went home. I decided that I should rest while I can. Yes, I will be fine, but at my age I just don’t bounce back as quickly as I used to. Not to mention going out in public when I am all bloated is anything, but fun. Okay , I complained. On the plus side, got my favorite flavor of Gatorade here. Going to try to relax. Yesterday, I had Bible study with friends and it was great. When you feel free to share with each other God’s truth and truly encourage each other in the Lord…. That should be church. For me I guess it is. This other thing is just a place I go to do a thing. 
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Sick Disagreement

 Have you ever had one of those days when you’re dragging emotionally and physically like a little dog dragging his tail. Sometimes we loose our wag. The weight of our current situation can make our steps heavy. I know all about the spiritual aspects applied to grief and what the Bible calls infirmaries. I realize we’re supposed to cast our cares on Jesus and I realize we can bring all our needs to him whether their physical or otherwise. But that’s the thing that has me stumped. Why can’t we bring them then? Why are there people who think if you say something out loud, that somehow, that word of whatever sickness will somehow be so powerful that you will then not be healed by Almighty God. I’m sorry, but I can’t agree with that; if God’s powerful enough to heal anyone at any time, then our mentioning what we think it is won’t stop that from happening. Telling someone that it’s all in their mind just rubbed me the wrong way. Number one, I know what it’s like to have your mind be truly
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When my Symptoms Collide

 I have been dealing with a lot of changes over a short period of time. I lost a client of three years and then one after a year. My new client is emotionally unstable to give no details away, and I am not sure that is something I can handle. As strong as I try to be, my anxiety has gone from small to large in a very short period of time. My friends don't really know anything. I am so bad at telling people I am struggling. They often really don't understand. At times like this, I miss my friends who DO get it. Unfortunately, every time I have a friend who understands it is because they struggle too. After a while we aren't in each other's lives anymore. As much as we want to support each other, we just can't. My regular friends don't understand and I don't want to get accused of complaining so I am afraid to share. To say the thought of going away with you is causing me severe anxiety. I had a panic attack the other night because in the past you lost patien
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