Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

 This is my scripture response to my last writing. I believe there are times when I have to battle against lies in my own head. I am blessed to believe in Jesus Christ who is the truth(John 14). I also see in scripture that the Holy Spiritual is called the Spirit of truth(John 15:26). Also God the Father, Psalm 31:5, “ O LORD God of truth.” I read in Psalm 63 as king David wrote, “the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped. I thought about the times when too exhausted to fight anymore I just fell into God’s arms and let it go. He fights for us. He does it. I wonder how much energy I waste trying to fight it off myself. Anyway, if you know my God, you know He IS truth and He fights for us. When we’re too weak to stand, He fights. When we’re too weary to speak, He fights for us. III. John 1:4 “ I have no greater joy than to hear my that children walk in truth.”

 It can be extremely frustrating to have legitimate challenges of mental health that “regular “ people either don’t understand or refuse to acknowledge. If I know you have diabetes, I am not going to give you a pound of sugar for Christmas. I know I can’t function well without sleep. It can cause a whole list of out of character things for me as well as put me at risk for mania. I am now seeing this may also mean taking my tiny list of friends and making it even smaller. I want to be healthy so I have to surround myself with people who support that. I can’t waist anymore time trying to prove it’s really a thing. It’s sad and I wish it wasn’t so hard. From a spiritual aspect, if there’s any little trace of unforgiveness in my heart towards someone, it will come bouncing out the minute I am overtired. The truth is that we are all works in progress, but maybe we all need to give each other more grace. I haven’t found my people yet. I still trust God has a purpose. 

 After surviving years of emotional abuse it has taken just as many years to heal. I thought since the Bible says,” each esteem others greater than himself,” I couldn’t see myself as worth anything. Like it was selfish to like myself, or value myself in any way. Praise the Lord those lies are not in charge of me. I saw this and bought it to remind myself. I know Jesus would have gone to the cross for me if I was the only sinner. He would stop everything to look for that one sheep that was missing even though 99 were found. I know not everyone will understand. There’s a chorus we used to sing years ago…🎵He’s able, He’s able, I know He’s able. I know my Lord is able to carry me through. (2x) He healed the broken hearted and He set the  captive free. He made the lame to walk again and he caused the blind to see. He’s able, He’s able, I know He’s able. I know my Lord is able to carry me through.”🎵

 It’s been another rough month. I keep getting blockages in my colon which cause my stomach to swell up and then my clothes barely fit. Ate a bunch of fruits and veggies last week, but that didn’t stop the symptoms from coming.  I feel trapped in a broken body, and I truly don’t know the solution. I have tried many things. I am praying and I have been prayed over. I guess there’s a reason I don’t understand. Sometimes a little suffering helps me understand others better. The hardest part isn’t the embarrassing stomach, but not being able to talk about it. Because it sounds too complainie. But I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about anything right now. You could remind me that it’s probably my fault because I exploded toxicity all over the place. That may be true. I am trying so hard NOT to do that, but to be honest and authenticly myself and see everyone else’s needs first. That’s a lot. I do one and there’s no room for the other. I want to pay attention to everyone e...

 I feel the need to vent some feelings. I haven’t seen my therapist in months because she’s taken a leave of absence. My mind is overwhelmed and I really want to dig a whole and jump in. The election is a dumpster fire. I have no respect for any of the people I have to choose from to vote. It’s all a game to them, but this is our life. Disaster devastation is ongoing from hurricane Helene at the moment. War overseas is ongoing. People are fighting for the right to live outside the boxes of God’s design. It really is the beginning of  end. Yet I wake up feeling dread and struggling to get up. I feel broken in ways that can’t be fixed. I know God hasn’t left me, but the more anxious I become the further away He feels. Psalm121 comes to mind,” I will lift up my eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD which made heaven and earth.”( Psalm 121:1-2) I am off to look to the hills. Hopefully tomorrow I can think differently.

 I wear glasses and after a whole day my vision will start to get blurry. I realize that my lenses aren’t clean anymore. I am trying to see through spots. I thought this would make a great analogy as we think about the world before us. Some people look out and can only see darkness, wickedness, and destruction. Maybe we need new lenses. Not that there isn’t any or tons of wickedness, but that there is a greater purpose for our still walking this earth. We can’t see that if we are stuck in our negative reflections. So what are those spots you ask? Unforgiveness, cultural differences, misunderstandings, our own convictions, or self righteousness.  I am not suggesting that we immerse ourselves into things that we know are wrong. I am suggesting that we focus on Jesus first and see what happens. Whether we are with our church family or out and about it may help to see things through Jesus rather than through our stuff.