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A Little Shower

 I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...
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Recent posts

Waiting to Wake Up

 Talked to my doctor today. He feels the medicine I am on is a rather high dose. He is going to reduce it which should help me stay awake during the day. I am ready to try these changes and see what happens. I have been sleeping nine to ten hours a night plus naps. Its way too much. I am hoping the adjustment will allow me to start a more normal routine and eventually go back to work, Pray that I don't have side effects to the medicine. I have been taking Cogentin which is a for side effects medicine, but the medicine has its own side effects. Hopefully, I don't have to take that anymore.     I have been feeling trapped and depressed after several days of low energy and seclusion. I even got super irritable which wasn't super fun either. My prayers of late are with me asking Why? and How? a lot. I know God has a plan, but I have to ask how do I do this? Waiting for the sunrise till I can see things more clearly. I haven't said much to anyone as I already feel judged....
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Praying I Don’t Slip As I Go Down

 I had multiple people think I was depressed. I wasn’t. Mania is the opposite. Unfortunately, Newton’s law still applies. “What goes up must come down.” I definitely am feeling melancholy as my Pastor would say. Being still too tired to function normally, I am feeling down. Let’s face it; this is the hardest part after a mania. You can see the fear in people’s faces. They are concerned you’ll break. I am not going to break. I am weak though. I might need to cry. I might need to be reminded to look up. Now that reality has set in, my confidence is shaky. This isn’t my first time fighting this. I want to glorify God in the storm. Unfortunately, I am feeling like I need help. I need to be encouraged. I don’t need a pep talk to tell me to just stop it. I read that verse the other day, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” Proverbs 25:11. I am not giving up. God will find a way to lift me back up again. 
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Healing Process

 I finally got some therapy. I am reading a book about burn out. I see that I have to work on changing some of my inner dialogue. Meaning if I want to get better then I need to address some of the unhealthy thinking I have had. I would stand guard over anyone else, but hesitate to defend myself or speak up. I know coming now I would be over compensating. Hopefully, I can find a balance along the way. I know what it means to be silenced and it’s not a good feeling. I can be kind and still speak up. Praying I find a way. I miss my work clients. Hopefully this brain of mine will calm down soon. I know God is able to heal me. I hope I can see myself in a better light. That He really is pleased with me. That God isn’t asking me to be anyone else. All for now…
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Blessings Still Flow

 As of today I have been home a little over a week. I am still a little sluggish from the medication, but I am thinking more clearly. There are some things that I can’t decide if they are dream or reality. God will have to show me in time. In the meantime, I can wrap myself in His  truth. Blessings, I received the sweetest cards from a few unexpected places. I shopped for groceries all by myself. We got a new dishwasher. If I don’t celebrate the little things, I won’t notice the bigger ones. That my gut is getting better although it still has its moments. All that to say, I choose joy. I am finding that I have to choose the fruits of the spirt over my own selfish way of looking at life. Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” ‭...
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Drip, drip of healing

 As of today, I am getting better a little bit at a time. Like the drip, drip of a faucet I get just a little better every day. Concentration still causes physical pain. My brain is tired and that’s all there is to it.  The medicine I’m on for that makes me sleep. Hopefully eventually I’ll have enough sleep. I feel like I am watching other people’s lives while I sit on the couch eating popcorn. I know God is still on the throne as someone I used to go to would say.  Nothing takes Him by surprise. God wants me to sit in quiet with Him.  I took for granted the quiet until it was gone. We all need quiet time with the Father. Sit on a rock. Enjoy the peace. Philippians 4:6-7 tells us not to anxious, but to give our concerns over to God. Then in verse seven He gives us peace.
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A Timely Lesson

 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:” ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5‬:‭6‬ ‭KJV‬‬ This verse has been coming to mind daily for several weeks now. I had no idea why. I thought to myself , “Why God? Am I not humble?” I wasn’t prepared for the answer. You see I just spent nine days in a psychiatric facility. It doesn’t get much lower. I tried to read the Bible, but my eyes couldn’t focus on the words. I read the same passage over and over. Sometimes we are just broken at the feet of Jesus.  I was still me. A little all over the place that first day after several days of little sleep. God never left me. I generally keep this part of my life  hush, hush but I was there to give God glory. Once again, I can give Him all the glory. Without God, I would have stopped fighting to be well. Without God, I would have suffered alone. I wasn’t afraid to go, but definitely dreaded it. A mentally ill person is the same person with extra emotions due ...
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