It's true I've illuteed to having some difficult memories yet given few examples. That is for a couple of reasons. One is that I find drugging up the details brings bad unnecessary pain. Two is that I don't actually remember that much. I repressed some stuff along the way and can't quite filter what is real and what is imaginary. I just know how it feels. I know I spent a lot of time alone as a child and had to live on my imagination. So the little kid in me might have exaggerated the circumstances of my childhood. What I do clearly remember that was unpleasant was bullying, teasing, neglect, and harassment. Again not choosing to go into details right now. Those were my experiences. I found adulthood to be far better than childhood. My family never intentionally set out to hurt me. My parents were just not people who knew how to handle kids or marriage for that matter. My brothers and I suffered the consequences so to speak. We had stuff. Lots of stuff. Which is why I would rather live in a falling apart home than in a nice house any day. Stuff can't tell you everything is going to be okay. Stuff can't love you when you're feeling unlovable. God makes no mistakes so I have to believe He knew exactly what he was doing. That's in the past. I often would find myself all alone and think the rapture happened and I was left behind. Why did I struggle in spite of having prayed to receive Christ? Because my mother was often disappointed in me. I felt I didn't deserve to be loved. Truly none of us do, and the true grasp of God'd love is hard to understand if you have not felt it from those closest to you. My father is a different story. I adored him, but he is far from perfect. He insulted my mother and unable to live up to her unrealistic expectations choose to be unfaithful. He eventually left her and me. My brothers were in college by then. He just wasn't around. And when he was he didn't do anything. That's pretty much it. He loved me absolutely no matter what, but his absence left me to deal with my unstable mother alone. I guess that is detail enough for now. "God will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee."
I am starting my own blog to reduce my boredom and give me a place to put my thoughts. Recently some people I know put some very difficult words out for all the world to see. I have been chicken to do the same and now I want to set the record straight. I didn't talk to people from high school for over ten years. It seems so silly now. I found out recently that I'm not the only one who grew up in college and beyond. We aren't kids anymore so the past is just that the past. I'll admit some of it I don't want to remember, but we did have some fun times in high school. The truth is something happened to me that I was not at all ready to talk about so I just avoided people. I got married in 1998 to a really great guy I met in college. We were giddy and in love. We decided after nine months of bliss to have a baby. Why not? I was bored and we wanted one. That sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. Boom one month later I was expecting. Three months later Jo
Well this is no fun. Your blog comments are rigged so that I can't post with a pen name... Gghhhgg
ReplyDelete"Look around and be distressed;
ReplyDeleteLook within and be depressed;
Look at Jesus and be at REST."
Corrie ten Boom