Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

To all Dads old and young I have to say a hearty, "Happy Father's Day." I am blessed to have two wonderful ones(I real one and a in-law). They are very different people: my father and my father and law, and yet they do have things in common. They are both hard working. They see the value of taking care of their families although that doesn't mean the same to both of them. They are the same age. Being in their seasoned age now they are becoming more reflective. So many things don't matter as much as they did once upon a time. They are ready to kick back and enjoy their grandchildren. At least that is what they would like to be doing(:. In this economy most men have to keep working past the desired age. Now their children worry about their health and their stress level. My husband falls into the young Dads chadegory. He loves to wristle and play with the boys. He reads them stories and teaches them lessons. Most importantly he is teaching them to love and obey God. ...

I finally let loose and cried for real. Now I am trying to move on. I still find myself tearing up when something reminds me of the one I lost, but it is getting easier. Everyone grieves differently so I guess I can't expect to follow some particular mold. I am starting to get a piece of understanding for those who lost a loved also and thought I wish I could tell her this and remember that she is gone. I am so used to releying on her that it is hard to fill the empty space. I know writing this helps me an maybe reading it will help someone else too. God bless till next time.

I have that ache in my jaw that I get from tensing it too much. I watched a TV show of all things and started crying. Not a rare occurrence for me, but I realized I wasn't crying about a show anymore. I starting crying for real and I had to make myself stop. If I cry, If I really cry,...I'll get that nasty shake that goes through your whole body. I won't be able to stop until my head hurts and my eyes burn. It's 3 in the morning and now I can't sleep because I am trying NOT to cry. Having said that I think I'm delirious enough to go try to sleep now.

I've been trying to figure out how to unravel my thoughts so that they make sense on paper. Lately there has been a pile on of sad events, but I have been too busy to really process them. I'm not sure how much I even want to. I waited all winter to not struggle to feel good and now that it's spring the last thing I want to do is grieve. Yes, I know how incredibly self centered that sounds. Of course that is the point of this thing. A place where I can blab and not alienate the people who love me. I want to be able to say that it breaks my heart that my brother's marriage is ending. I feel like bringing up the subject just makes people uncomfortable. It is a little like after my Dad left. That I don't know what to say to you thing. So maybe it isn't that they don't care, but that they just don't know how to deal. I certainly don't have any clue as how to deal either. I live miles away. I can't do much of anything to help my brother or his fami...

Don't you hate that? You're right in the middle of a conversation and all of a sudden...what was I talking about??? Lately I've been battling the old I forgot more often than not. I can't remember, "Why did I come up here?" or "What was I going to do again?" I sound like an old woman. Having talked to my other friends around here, I've come to the conclusion that it has nothing to do with being crazy and everything to do with raising children. As a Mom, you're supposed tackle a million things at once. That works for a while and then somewhere along the line it all just becomes gibberish. We go, go, go, until we can't, can't, can't. Learning how to filter out the kaous and find some time of quiet can be challenging. But what is the cost of not doing that. For me it is more and more confusion. I spend that time a study with God and all of a sudden things are clearer. Well I hear the pitter patter of little feet so that...

It's birthday month in both our families. ( There are multiple birthdays in that month) I just love birthdays. It's funny because my brother said something to me last year about outgrowing them and I thought why would someone want to do that. Grant it when you're turning 34 instead of 14 things are a little different. I won't get together with friends or get any cards telling me I look like a monkey. I'll spend time with my family. My boys will make me something, my husband will attempt to get me what I asked for, and I'll get to go out to eat. A couple of years ago I added the I should not have to bake my own cake rule . I bake each family member whatever kind of cake they want and make them a dinner of their choosing. When it's my turn, I really don't want to make my own even if I don't get exactly my favorite. The kid inside me still likes to get presents, but NOT if my loved ones can't afford them. I am happy to get a card even if it...

When I was little my mother turned a long closet into a playroom for me. It even had a light switch. She set up my doll bed, high chair, and play stove. My big dolls where lined up in there. I was content in there for a long time. I don't remember when it got changed back into a closet or why, but I imagine I got too big for it. She was always trying to think of ways to keep me occupied because I had a tendency to drive my brothers nuts. Eventually she trained my one brother to be the find her something to do person. I remember wanting to learn to roller skate, but being too chicken to do it. My brother and I tried it inside holding on to two walls in between us. I finally got it well enough to move to the driveway. I just loved roller skating after that. OK so that is a silly story, but I want to show my life wasn't all bad. I just don't remember the good stuff as well as the bad.