Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

I'm thirty-five years old today. I am certainly different than I was at fifteen or even twenty-five. I hope most of the change is good. I lost quite a bit of confidence when my walls came tumbling down ten years ago. Since then, I have not become the same again. I don't think rebuilding the false sense of security I once held would really help me. I'm trying to rebuild my faith understanding my weaknesses instead of denying them. Before I didn't understand or know what those weaknesses were. Yes, this blog is self-centered, but I figured a journal was allowed to be(:. My goal is that not only does this make me feel better, but it might also help someone else who feels the same way.

Sunday, while I waited to hear if the fate of our future was going to be seriously altered by health care reform, I was glad it's not up to me. We pondered how do we pray about this. Do we ask God for more mercy when clearly America deserves no more? Yes, I asked. Even now in the uncertainty of the days ahead, God still knows what is going on. He isn't going to leave us to deal with the trouble all by ourselves. It's hard to be so helpless when loved ones are sick, hurting, struggling in some way. I can't do anything to fix their problems. Maybe that isn't God's plan. Would I really want to know what kind of person I would be if I had not gone through some of the pain of the past? For all the time I've spent hating the bad memories that may not even be real; do they have some greater purpose? Fear brought me to the feet of Jesus. Pain kept me in the arms of God.

As my father would say, I have nothing brilliant to say. Nevertheless, it is about time I write something. I'll try my hardest to make sure it isn't at all depressing. I am glad that in life we grow up. I'm learning to give to and love others more. I am glad that forgiveness is not up to me. I always have a hard time forgiving myself. I'm walking around these days like a muppet round all over with a happy face. I am not sure if my health is part of the roundness or just the having given into the depression over the winter months. I made myself exercise and I stop eating junk and lost five pounds. I have hypothyroidism, and I often forget to take my medicine at the right time. If I don't take it early in the morning, I end up not taking it at all. It has to be taken in the presence of nothing else. On a brighter note, my boys still make me laugh and I still get my full quota of hugs. My work with kids(other kids) lets me act as silly as possible on a regular basis w...

I don't know about the rest of you, but the dark days of winter make me feel sleepy and down. Now that January is here the sun is beginning to peak in the windows earlier and the worse is over. I'm starting to feel less hopeless. For those of you who don't have this problem I must emphasize the word "feel." If I let me feelings decide what I do and don't do, on a regular basis we'd all be in trouble. Let's face it. None of us can trust our feelings really. I went to see my in-laws for Christmas and my sister-in-law's Sunday School class had something about setting goals for our new year. I couldn't seem to set any personal goals. It was easy to set family goals, financial goals, and spiritual goals. Here is the thing. For me when I separate myself from the spiritual, I am so deep in the "Me, Me, Me, Whoa," nonsense that I can't really accomplish anything. I realized that I have to have God's guidance to show me just what he wa...

Saturday we got to be snowed in for the first time in a long time. When I was a kid we had plenty of days like that where I grew up. I can remember snow forts, snow balls, and we must not forget the snowman. I was alive in the famous blizzard of 1978 and there is a picture of me when I was about three standing right next to the roof on a very high snow bank. I cannot say I remember that at all however. I remember my brothers did most of the building and I got to crawl through snow tunnels that they built. By the time I was old enough to do these things for myself, I was all by myself and it just wasn't any fun without them. Oh snow angels! I forgot all about snow angels. Even little kids can do those. My kids like to build snowmen and then attack it with sticks and shovels when they are tired of it. We have video of one of them doing that to a snowman John built a few years ago. Then last year my youngest son did the same thing to a little snowman we built for him. Due to the road ...

Have you ever had one of those days? You know when your so tired that you drop everything and go to bed without brushing your teeth or anything. I did. I was exhausted after going upstairs to act ridiculous. My family barely reacts anymore at my antics because they are so used to them, but this one did get quite a reaction. It turns out we have a Darth Vader Costume which I bought at a yard sale (a while ago for Jonathan) that fits me. I tried it on with my son's Darth Vader helmet and that was a site. John laughed and the boys just kept pointing and smiling at me. So that one was so worth it although it was like trying to breath inside a dusty plastic bowl. I was already sleepy when I did the costume thing. I hung the thing up, took one look and my bed and got in. I decided after about ten minutes to put on PJs. Then I closed my eyes and went to sleep. It couldn't have been more than 8:30. I had planned on going back downstairs so that lights were still on, and the beans I co...

Well it's October and it's breast cancer awareness month. Probably everyone knows someone who has had breast cancer or some other kind. I do not think that we human beings empowering ourselves with awareness gives us anything, but a false sense of security. While it is great for us to understand these diseases better, I do not think we have the power to defeat them. The fact still remains only God can give and take life. I don't believe He's some abstract being off in the distance. He is the Almighty God, Who wants to know each and every one of us personally. Nothing takes Him by surprise. Nothing is out of His control. I can identify with the "putting on a brave face" that we do in order to get through rough times. As a believer in Jesus Christ I have so much more than just that. I have hope. I want to honor the memory of the loved ones lost with that. That it is wonderful that they are with Jesus. I don't want to downplay the need for good medical trea...