Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

It's that time of year again 'Fa La Laing' and 'tiz the season to be jolly.' I always loved Christmas time, but not for the reason you think(:. Sure presents are fun and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy giving and receiving them, but that isn't the best part. When I was little, I loved to listen to my father read the Christmas story on Christmas morning right out of Luke 2. Then we would open presents eat good stuff and spend the whole day together. It was the only day of the year I could count on us all being together and getting along. That all changed of course when my father moved out, but my brother read the story that first year without him and we tried to act as normal as possible. The last Christmas we spent together (all together) my parents got a real tree for the first time in years. It was really special. I admit that for a few years Christmas was a little bit sad and sometimes now still is, but not like it was. Now I have my own husban...

Honestly, I choose to write sometimes even on a bad day because it usually helps me sort things out and it shows how far from perfect I am. We all have bad days when we aren't thinking as clearly as we'd like. I'm just more vocal about it than most. The truth is that although my childhood was no picnic, it could have been far worse. The truth is that although my brothers are often aloof it isn't because they don't care, but because they express it differently than I do. Not everyone can be as on the surface as I tend to be. It gets me in all kinds of trouble. I decided that our lives would be extremely boring if we were all exactly alike. I think God has used other people to fill in the gaps that my family may have left. At the end of the day, everything on this earth is only temporary. If I spent far less time worrying about things I can't change and far more time concentrating on the things God has for me to do, what would my life look like then?

Feeling sad. Missing my family that hardly ever talks to me. Do I really miss them or what I wish they were? We don't get to pick. I had a stupid panic attach last night over my big brother who is forever breaking my heart. I don't know how to love them without it tearing me in pieces at least some of the time. I am too sleep deprived to give this a look on the bright side spin, but most likely I'll feel better tomorrow. I know how incredibly self centered this all sounds. I feel like when I can the ones that do care I'm just bugging them. I'm having one of my incredibly insecure moments.

I have been wanting to post this for a bit now, but I wasn't sure of the wording. My mother has taught me how to be a lady, how to dress, and how to cook. I learned many wonderful things from watching her over the years. She is so creative that I used to find that intimidating. Now I realize I am just as creative in a different way. That I got from her. My mother-in-law taught me things that I so needed to learn. How to love and be loved unconditionally; how to give unselfishly; how to accept others. She is such an amazing gift from God and I don't really know what I would do without her. I am so thankful for her.

I am glad it's Sunday. I really enjoy studying God's Word. My brain got quite a workout this morning, but it was a good one. We were talking about the mercy of God in relationship to salvation. I guess some people believe God's mercy is limited to only certain people, but the Bible clearly shows that His mercy is given to all that believe. "For God so loved the word that he gave his only begotten son; that whosoever believeth in him, should not perish, but have everlasting life." I am glad I get to be a whosoever.

I hate it when my mind insists on going there. The Dark place that is. You know the recesses of your mind where all the ugly stuff is hiding. I spent years of my early life stuffing the bad stuff away somewhere and pretending it wasn't there. It would peak out of the drawers and I would slam them shut again. Now my mind is this place where someone dumped out all the files and they are mixed up all over the floor. Sounds like fun doesn't it? I never know which file is going to get opened up next. I can't hide anything cause it's too mixed up. Today the files were opening up too many bad memories and I ask myself what on earth is going on. I am trying to be positive because with my tendency to exaggerate it isn't as bad as it seems. It is harder to do that when you get dumped a stack of stinky papers. I tried reading my Bible and praying, but it is hard to see the comfort when the guilt bus is parked out front. I have some work to do. Hopefully, next time I can be mor...

Twelve years ago when I walked down the aisle to marry my husband it was with eyes glowing with new love. I had giddy butterflies from the excitement of first love. He was my perfect prince. He could do no wrong. Funny thing is that today as I look at the real person I married, I see who he really is and I am still delighted to be his wife. No, he isn't perfect, but neither am I. We have been together through some pretty rough times and have come out standing stronger. It has never been easy, but it has always been worth it! And most of the time it is a whole lot of fun(:. As I write this, I know he is going to read this and get all cocky and then act ridiculous. Oh well, that's who I married. I get to sing commercial jingles and talk his ear off in the car. I can't really complain.