Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

That's right I'm sort of here. For too many years, I had to go someplace else figuratively to survive in reality. Now I find it difficult to stay here when I'm really O.K. in the now. I find myself stuck in the reality of my memories I tried so hard to block out. My therapist wants me to see them in a new way. I realized just yesterday that I have to take everyone else out of the equation and focus on healing myself. I'm too concerned with everyone else is the translation of that criptic remark. I can't change what was, but maybe if I can see it differently I can live with it. That is without it messing up how I see things in the present. I know psycho babble. I have no desire to dishonor God or leave His purpose out. I have known since I was small that I needed a Heavenly Father. I was terrified of nightmares and praying to Jesus was the only thing that helped me sleep. Later I trusted Him for other things and yes as a result of His hand in my life I wanted to serv...

Have you ever found yourself listening to someone speak and suddenly a part of your brain escapes into a world of all its own. You take what that person actually said and begin to analyze what it surely must have meant. Meanwhile the rest of your brain is attempting to pay attention to what the person talking to you is continuing to say. Alright, I admit this sounds ridiculous, but welcome to my brain(:. That isn't to say this is always the case, but far to often it is. I have to consentrate on listening and ask the person to repeat stuff if my mind begins to wander. Sometimes I have no trouble at all listening. On a bad day, it's like a tornado went off inside my head. The good news I've been finding is that "normal" people seem to struggle with this too. They just don't to the same extent.

I know I'm often too candid. I am winding down now so to speak. I finally wore myself out. It felt good to sleep and I actually didn't have time to as much as I wanted to. That's the trouble now. I am busier than usual and it is hard to balance everything. I am hoping to figure it out. "This world is not my home. I'm just passing through...and I can't feel at home in this world anymore."

If normal people have spring fever, than I must have spring mania. Our family is dealing with multiple uncertainties right now. Although I am trying to trust God, right now the anxiety is just about choking me. I can't sleep when I'm supposed to and I have to nap during the day to keep functional. If I didn't I would start to get dazed and confused. Anyway, the train is moving and I don't know how to slow it down. I know I can't control my circumstances no matter what they are, but how do I get my head to stop spinning. It's funny the other day I prayed and took a deep breath and the Lord immediately brought to my mind the verse, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee." That's the trouble thou now isn't it. If my mind was truely stayed on Him I wouldn't be spinning...Would I? Well I'm going to go to bed and if I can sleep... SLEEP

I'm thirty-five years old today. I am certainly different than I was at fifteen or even twenty-five. I hope most of the change is good. I lost quite a bit of confidence when my walls came tumbling down ten years ago. Since then, I have not become the same again. I don't think rebuilding the false sense of security I once held would really help me. I'm trying to rebuild my faith understanding my weaknesses instead of denying them. Before I didn't understand or know what those weaknesses were. Yes, this blog is self-centered, but I figured a journal was allowed to be(:. My goal is that not only does this make me feel better, but it might also help someone else who feels the same way.

Sunday, while I waited to hear if the fate of our future was going to be seriously altered by health care reform, I was glad it's not up to me. We pondered how do we pray about this. Do we ask God for more mercy when clearly America deserves no more? Yes, I asked. Even now in the uncertainty of the days ahead, God still knows what is going on. He isn't going to leave us to deal with the trouble all by ourselves. It's hard to be so helpless when loved ones are sick, hurting, struggling in some way. I can't do anything to fix their problems. Maybe that isn't God's plan. Would I really want to know what kind of person I would be if I had not gone through some of the pain of the past? For all the time I've spent hating the bad memories that may not even be real; do they have some greater purpose? Fear brought me to the feet of Jesus. Pain kept me in the arms of God.

As my father would say, I have nothing brilliant to say. Nevertheless, it is about time I write something. I'll try my hardest to make sure it isn't at all depressing. I am glad that in life we grow up. I'm learning to give to and love others more. I am glad that forgiveness is not up to me. I always have a hard time forgiving myself. I'm walking around these days like a muppet round all over with a happy face. I am not sure if my health is part of the roundness or just the having given into the depression over the winter months. I made myself exercise and I stop eating junk and lost five pounds. I have hypothyroidism, and I often forget to take my medicine at the right time. If I don't take it early in the morning, I end up not taking it at all. It has to be taken in the presence of nothing else. On a brighter note, my boys still make me laugh and I still get my full quota of hugs. My work with kids(other kids) lets me act as silly as possible on a regular basis w...