Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

I was thinking again; dangerous I know. Trying to pray and finding myself drifting. Just last I was wondering when did I stop trusting God and why? It was easier to trust God when my problems were monstrosities. Today, I realized, my biggest problem is myself: My worries, my fears, my insecurities. Not some big thing that I can't ever change, but the haunting of my own thoughts. I've come to realize that my own ineffectiveness comes from that same lack of trust. Of course maybe I'm remembering my formal self too highly. I struggled then too. The bottom line is that now when I go to read the WORD which I know can deliver me from such thoughts...I become distracted and confused or bombarded by bad memories and harsh realities. I want to be able to read my Bible with a clear head. Yet I have to be content with whatever moments of focus I get. So that's the bad news. The good news is that my God is able. I do believe he can help me through today. Not because today is so ter...

This Christmas day was not too much like others. I woke to find a still frozen turkey in the sink and wondered just what to do about it. After four hours of pampering we finally got it thawed and stuffed. Christmas dinner was saved. My wonderful hubby helped willingly and grumbled later. We were all grumpy, tired, and hungry by the time it was all ready. My youngest is sick. Poor thing sounds terrible. But the children loved their presents and had so much fun playing with new things. I am thankful they really are easy to please MOST of the time. I am also thankful for all the great relatives and friends that contributed to the family's supply of presents and food. We were given anonymous grocery money this year. We have been give anonymous money from some source almost every year of our marriage. Whether we thought we needed it or not, it was always put to good use. If I don't need it, I give it away. I was able to give food away some this year so I felt like we were getting it...

For me it's the time of year for a netty pot and humidifier. I have a sinus infection and bronchitis thanks to the dry air. I hate using the netty pot, but I am doing it to help clean it all out. I remember my Mom used to have sinus trouble...She still does. She would boil a pot of water and stick her face in it. Her whole face would turn beat red, but the offending stuff would drain out. If my husband is reading this, yes I know I am gross, but I will try to keep it tame for the readers sake. As much as I dislike the netty pot, it is better than sticking my face over a pot of boiling water. I still love vapor rub. That stuff is the best when you're sick. I remember using it when I was little. I let the boys use it too sometimes. I guess some old time remedies still work well. On a less gross note, we got all the Christmas cards hung up around the living room. Now I just have to clean it AGAIN. Why is it you can mess up a room in five minutes, but it takes an hour to fix it? I ...

It's that time of year again 'Fa La Laing' and 'tiz the season to be jolly.' I always loved Christmas time, but not for the reason you think(:. Sure presents are fun and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy giving and receiving them, but that isn't the best part. When I was little, I loved to listen to my father read the Christmas story on Christmas morning right out of Luke 2. Then we would open presents eat good stuff and spend the whole day together. It was the only day of the year I could count on us all being together and getting along. That all changed of course when my father moved out, but my brother read the story that first year without him and we tried to act as normal as possible. The last Christmas we spent together (all together) my parents got a real tree for the first time in years. It was really special. I admit that for a few years Christmas was a little bit sad and sometimes now still is, but not like it was. Now I have my own husban...

Honestly, I choose to write sometimes even on a bad day because it usually helps me sort things out and it shows how far from perfect I am. We all have bad days when we aren't thinking as clearly as we'd like. I'm just more vocal about it than most. The truth is that although my childhood was no picnic, it could have been far worse. The truth is that although my brothers are often aloof it isn't because they don't care, but because they express it differently than I do. Not everyone can be as on the surface as I tend to be. It gets me in all kinds of trouble. I decided that our lives would be extremely boring if we were all exactly alike. I think God has used other people to fill in the gaps that my family may have left. At the end of the day, everything on this earth is only temporary. If I spent far less time worrying about things I can't change and far more time concentrating on the things God has for me to do, what would my life look like then?

Feeling sad. Missing my family that hardly ever talks to me. Do I really miss them or what I wish they were? We don't get to pick. I had a stupid panic attach last night over my big brother who is forever breaking my heart. I don't know how to love them without it tearing me in pieces at least some of the time. I am too sleep deprived to give this a look on the bright side spin, but most likely I'll feel better tomorrow. I know how incredibly self centered this all sounds. I feel like when I can the ones that do care I'm just bugging them. I'm having one of my incredibly insecure moments.

I have been wanting to post this for a bit now, but I wasn't sure of the wording. My mother has taught me how to be a lady, how to dress, and how to cook. I learned many wonderful things from watching her over the years. She is so creative that I used to find that intimidating. Now I realize I am just as creative in a different way. That I got from her. My mother-in-law taught me things that I so needed to learn. How to love and be loved unconditionally; how to give unselfishly; how to accept others. She is such an amazing gift from God and I don't really know what I would do without her. I am so thankful for her.