Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

 Remember the story Coorie Ten Bloom told about being thankful for the fleas. If you haven’t read her book, you need to. Anyway, her sister and Coorie were in a concentration camp at the time. Her sister said we need to thank God for the fleas. She couldn’t find a reason to be thankful for fleas. Sometime later they discovered that the Guards were raping the women, but would not come near her and her sister because they were infested with fleas. God can take the most irritating things in our life and use them for our good. We can’t see what is ahead of us. I was trying so hard to be thankful yesterday and then one more thing happened. So now I am just saying, God I don’t understand it, but I know you do. Trying to be thankful anyway and it sure feels just a bit lighten.

 This morning I got up and as usual the blood pressure dropped. I tripped over a laundry basket and found myself on the floor. I had the hardest time getting up with my blood pressure still so low. It’s a weird feeling like your head is falling and the rest of you wants to do the same. Yet I did get up and everything passed. Not sure if that’s a metaphor for how difficult it is to get up when we are down low or for the things in life that try to pull us down. It feels like you aren’t going to get through, but you do. It seems to difficult to get up, but you can. Psalm 139:8-10 was in my head this morning. Whether I am up high or down low, God is there. 

 I don’t know about you, but I had this false impression that I some how needed to buck up and power through the small stuff on my own. Cause If you’re not supposed to bother the people around you with the little whoas, then why on earth would I think it would be OK to tell God. I realize that my faith only extended to the big things. I didn’t bother to tell him if I had a cold or a headache or if I can find some thing I was looking for. No, those issues weren’t important enough. But here’s the thing if God loves us so much and cares about every part of our lives then it should be OK to come to him with anything. I realized that once again I let the people around me affect my view of God. So here’s the thing my day like some days was full of a bunch of little irritants. And while I’m not wallowing in a pool of discontent, I was feeling bad. And knowing that God cares about my little irritants helps a whole lot. I know that tomorrow will be better. I know that some things will heal ...

 Sometimes you have to mourn the loss of a dream. Sometimes you loose the life you thought you wanted. After the mourning is over and the healing has begun, you can then start to see brand new things happening. Life like you never imagined. That can only be God because He likes to surprise us. He likes to sneak up on us with a big pot of goodness. So chin up. It gets better.

 I open this post with a quote,”But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good…” There are often times when something happens that we just can’t understand. Why? Why is this happening? I have tortured myself with questions and pillows of self doubt convinced that I am blowing up all my relationships. But whether or not that is true, I still don’t know. What I do choose to believe is that God still continues to work things out for good  in my life (Romans 8:28). I saw that happen yesterday when one person’s snub opened up another’s welcome. I know it sounds weird, but my point is that you can’t yet see the good that’s going to happen. If hasn’t happened yet. Don’t be discouraged. It’s coming.

I have said a lot in the past about the swirl of thoughts in my head. I realized that I have difficulty removing them without writing things down. Read over                I Corinthians 5 today and thought, “How do I take captive what I can’t identify?” I ended up in Psalm 139. I can have confidence after reading that, that God does know exactly what’s in my head. For the moment anyway, I am letting Him deal with it. It does make sense that He would give them to me a little at a time. I know I have a fear of abandonment and isolation. That goes back to a little girl whose parents didn’t know what to do with her. My husband says to me, “I am a lot.” I get that. But believing somewhere in my mind that I will be left behind by EVERYONE isn’t a lie I want to hold onto. I felt God with me early on even when I wasn’t sure where everyone was. He never left me. So if God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, He will never leave me. I fear the unknown...

Sometimes in life we can either dig up dirt or uncover treasures. Our lives are filled with unpleasant memories which we have tried very hard to forget. Those things end up being layers and layers of filth over our hearts we can’t even see. Yet if we can scrap it away, we might find something beautiful. Take it for the cryptic comment it is, my friend. I don’t think my memories will help you right now. I am amazed how much stuff is shoved down there. Does it make me untrusting of others? Yes! Does it make me question myself? Yes! Hebrews 12:1 has been the verse I keep going back to. “..lay aside every weight...”