Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

 Sometimes when I am overwhelmed, the only thing that makes me feel better is to write. I have been feeling weary. That old word seems to fit best. I have cried with people mourning, and I have cried my own tears. Physically I am up and down as well. Not feeling great. Lots of headaches lately. I was at church and the thought came to me that nothing is ever going to change. And once again feeling pulled in two different directions, but not at home in either place. It definitely makes me ask why God. How am in this place again? I know He still has things for me to do. But lately I have been too weak to do anything. You see my assignment doesn’t come from a Pastor or person. My assignment comes from God. Right now that is unclear. Psalm 121 comes to mind,” I will lift up my eyes upon the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD…”.  

 My verse for the day from my devotional is Romans 8:28, “ And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” I have a couple thoughts on this verse. First work together for means it hasn’t happened yet. It can be hard to find the positive when you’re in the middle of a struggle that isn’t ending. Only God can see the why of that particular struggle. I also believe obstacles are often put in our path for our protection. We can’t see what might be ahead, but God can. Preventing us from moving or going a particular way is often protecting us from harm. It’s hard not knowing why. It’s hard when you pray and get no answers. I don’t think that’s because God is ignoring me, but that He is telling me to wait. It’s not easy to wait either, but the working together for good has to come from God. I can’t push the cart myself and expect to get anywhere. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Ps...

 I’ve been thinking on why I write. It’s been a minute since I explained my blog’s purpose. I started journaling when I was about twelve or thirteen. I am not sure which. I was going through something and had so many words. Yet anytime I tried to talk, I was silenced. Not only did writing give me a way to get everything out, but I also found in thinking it through on the page; I felt better. With my mental illness diagnosis in the 2004, I wanted to make my journal public. How many people suffer in silence? So while not everyone wants a public journal, I do think having one is a terrific tool to deal with trauma and chronic health issues. I try to do like David in the Bible and bring things back to a positive. God is always with me no matter the circumstances. That is not  just something I say. I remembered this last week how I felt at twelve years old writing that journal. I would pray and cry  and go to sleep. I remember feel like there was this warm bubble all around me...

 I know these days it’s called “self care.” I don’t like that term because it supports the theory that taking time to take care of yourself is selfish. It’s not. I get burned out on caring for others and my body starts to break. I am realizing now that the physical and emotional weaknesses feed off each other. I am overtired, my mind is too full to process anymore. I spent today resting. I will be fine, but I needed a little time under the Father’s Wings. I usually feel guilty. Like my problems aren’t bad enough to be worthy of need, but I am learning to give them all over to Him. That He does want my everything. It might be too much for people to understand, but not for Jesus. I know all about getting up and powering through. I am learning to balance the when to push myself and when to not. There’s so much to do and I need to be able to function both physically and mentally. I have other friends with chronic illness silently they also suffer. This is only a day. Tomorrow will be b...

 I wrote a poem about grief for someone else. Now as I read it, I wish that I felt less alone in it. I have stopped myself from going there over and over the last few days and now… Regrets are hard to carry. Nothing can change what is all done. As for heavenly results, why not let Jesus decide. If you think you can look at someone else and decide what they deserve, you’re going to be disappointed.  “ His mercy is everlasting…”(Ps100). I believe only God knows the heart. Although I fail often, I follow along in His steps. It’s important not too skip ahead of His steps, but to keep walking in them. I picture a child walking on the beach trying to walk in his Daddy’s footprints. That’s us! I reflected on the compassion of Jesus too yesterday. He saw these people as sheep without a Shepherd and had compassion on them. When Jesus saw people lost, confused, He didn’t say,” Why are they like this?” He knew. People need the Truth. Jesus is the Truth. People need Him.

 I had a thought about scars. We try so hard to cover up our scars; to live so no one sees. Yet Jesus Christ still has his scars. His scars are that permanent reminder of His sacrifice for us on the cross. When we meet Him in person, He’ll still have them. Whatever scars you might be carrying, they don’t have to be a curse. Let your scars be a badge of honor for what you survived. Scars of the heart make us tender towards others. Hebrews 4:15. Jesus knows about our scars. When we are heavy with the weight of hurt, He understands.

 Some people love summer. They can't wait to feel the bright sun all the time. I find it harder to sleep in the summer as it's so bright for so long. I also have quite a lot of trouble with the heat. If I don't remember to drink twice as much, I get dehydrated; but all that is routine for most people when it's over ninety degrees outsides. Truly my issue this last couple of weeks has been my constant head spinning. I think it probably is anxiety. I love caring for people, but I think I got wacked with some unexpected grief. I don't usually get upset or cry in the moment. I am in be calm and take care mode. That means sometimes all that stuffed down emotion has to bubble to the surface unexpectedly. It hit me the other day and I was just weeping uncontrollably. I feel fine now, but my head is still a fuzz. That only scares me because I don't want to loose my ability to think clearly and function. That IS something we all take for granted I might add. I truly beli...