Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

" Ye did run well; who did hinder you that ye should not obey the truth?" Galations 5:7 Before I wrote today, I decided to read my Bible. I've been struggling a lot lately with that. Shocking, Huh? Well, I am human and sometimes the selfishness inside me wins the battle. What battle you ask? Well, duh as my Pastor would say(:. I think duh is rude, but I'm trying to be witty here so I'll allow it. Each and every day I have a battle inside my own mind. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm schizophrenic, but I can almost hear the voice of the Spirit battling against the voice of my flesh. Sometimes, it seems like a literal voice in the sense that I'm very aware of what God wants me to be doing. Sometimes, I just tune out His voice completely. Like a three year old with my hands on my ears. If I cover my ears I can pretend, "I can't hear you," Of course it is the very ignoring of God's voice that makes me just a little bit crazy(:. I feel t...

School's out and this Mom is glad. We still have a few things to get ready for the evaluator and school district, but I am going to take a day off. I am cool with cleaning my house, washing clothes. Just need a break from the heavy stuff. We are getting ready for a birthday so there is plenty to do. Yes, I stayed up way too late and tomorrow I am going to read a book while doing the laundry and making yogurt. No other real big projects until at least Tuesday. I would like a day when we don't go anywhere. Running, running, and feeling stressed. I could feel my thoughts starting to race at night. I know it was just system overload. Now for system shut-down. No, I am not a robot. I realize when you journal at 1:30 in the morning things don't sound all that sophisticated. Oh well! Racing thoughts is when I am thinking way too fast and I can't quite figure out what's in my head anymore. I don't really have to be particularly worried about anything. Just over-processe...

It sure is hot today. I like it when it's 50 degrees outside and you can go around all the time in sweaters. That's my favorite temperature so I guess I have to go live in a cave. I have to stop cause I forgot to eat again and my hand is shaking. Yes, I do that!

I watched a sad movie tonight. A really sad one, and had what we women call a "good cry." Isn't funny that we need a fake story to give us a reason to cry, yet when we have every reason to cry we hold back the tears. Well, I guess I can't say we...I do anyway. Maybe it goes back to when I was young. Back then I cried way too much. At everything! That didn't add to my popularity and then more teasing which would produce more tears. That was early childhood grant it, but I think I remember(:. I figured out that I had better suck it up and NOT cry so much. So I didn't. I sucked, sucked, sucked, in a whole bunch of stuff after that. Stand tall at school and let it out at home. Of course after all that bottling up not everything can find it's way back out. Maybe that's why a movie that forces you to cry is so cleansing. Now grant it, I am not seven years old anymore, or five, or nine for that matter. I am not a kid; I am not being teased at school; and don...

Okay, I just couldn't write what everyone else does. My creativity isn't at it's ultimate today so that will have to do. I started off this mother's day with one of those ridiculous reminders of all the grief I must have caused my own mother. Doomed to repeat my mistakes my children had barricaded their room with dirty clothes last night. I used to do the same thing I am sad to confess. We managed to fix that issue before bed last night. This morning, church day, we had several calamities. My youngest has a cold and we had to determine if he was fit to be in public or not. My oldest waited till this morning to figure out he only had one pair of clean paints which needed to be repaired. I almost had them fixed when I realized he wasn't wearing underwear. I had washed underwear, but he put them in his brothers drawer. I lost it a bit. Quite a bit in fact. Why he thought we would let him leave the house to go to church without underwear is beyond me, but this is life w...

You know the old saying, "A woman's work is never done." I have to admit that it is surprisingly true. You get one job done and there are twelve more waiting to be accomplished. Before you can finish those it is time to do number one all over again. My house is a royal mess. I have three loads of laundry to fold. There is dirty laundry backed up to be washed. It is time to get out the cool clothes and put away the warm ones. The attic is so messy right now(that one's not my fault) that I can't get in there to do it. My boys have too many clothes because we haven't got to this sorting process yet. So their clothes are falling out of their drawers. It doesn't help that they don't fold anything. It doesn't matter I fold their clothes because they shove them in and they don't stay folded. Needless to say it is a tossup from running from the house screaming or throwing clothes out the window. Not going to do either, but it sure felt good to say so.

I am so glad to have friends. As for the grown-up part, just watching my children with their struggles makes me thankful that stuff is behind me. Remember when it was the end of the world to be picked last for gym class, called ridiculous names, or left out of the popular crowd. I don't have a crowd I am desperate to get into and if someone doesn't accept me; I don't care. That isn't to say that there feelings and needs don't matter, but I am not going to spend all my energy trying to please the unpleaseable. I am not going to waste my time trying to be liked by someone who just chooses not to like me. That's their problem not mine. It is wonderful to no longer feel that great insecurity that used to weigh me down so much. Not only do I have better relationships with my friends and family, but I also feel more secure in my relationship with God. I don't have to fear that God will not accept me. He already has! He won't break his promises.