Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

I guess everyday has it's challenges for each of us. I am constantly having to remind myself NOT to go back to my unhealthy people pleasing ways and to concentrate on doing what God wants me to. I always clearly know what that is however. I was in a situation last night where I was dealing with an (in lack of a better word) ignorant Christian lady. I really think she wanted to understand what "bipolar" means to me; but she wanted to try to fix me in the process(:. She will never truly understand, but maybe I helped her a little. I just hope I didn't injure myself in the process. I have struggled to except what IS that I am bipolar. I have come to terms with that and even learned to be thankful for God's purpose which I don't really understand. I don't want to go backwards to please some person. It's just not worth it. I believe I Cor 10:13, but it is talking about God helping us to endure trial not poof it's gone. "God is my refuge and strengt...

Today was better than yesterday. And yesterday was a bit better than the day before that so progress. I am on a higher medication dose so I slept what seemed like forever today. Either catching up from lack of sleep or sleepier because of the meds. I think it is both. I am definitely calming down. I am hoping the anxiety will be less intense tomorrow because I have to go out. Not just go out, but see a specialist. Yippie for me. Anyway, it should be fine if I can stay focused. Unfortunately the medication doesn't do much to help that. It slows my thoughts down, but it doesn't clear up fogginess. Sometimes it creates it. One step at a time.

I guess my episode has been coming on slowly for several weeks and I didn't realize or I would have tried to increase my medication sooner. Of course not being aware that you are really not okay is part of being bipolar. I don't want to be manic or depressed, but sometimes I just don't see the warning signs. I am now super anxious. Tried going out today and besides being overly irritable like yesterday, everything has a haze. That happens when I am extremely anxious. I struggle to go and do the simplest little things. One trip to an uncrowded mall and I felt like I could barely see straight. I thought taking a break from my kids by myself would be good for me, but I didn't realize my own symptoms had escalated. I did increase my medication yesterday, but it will take more than a day to see benefits. And yes, I believe God is able as always. This type of anxiousness is not worry in the traditional sense. It is just an irrational fear of the things around me. Once I can i...

Is it just a bad day or the sign that bad times are just beginning. You see before I was "bipolar" I didn't worry about that. I had a bad mood and it was just a bad mood. Now I know if I am overly angry, irritable or emotional that it can also be a sign of a season of hypo mania or depression. I do have type one bipolar, but that doesn't mean I don't get hypo mania. Mini mania episodes. Days or hours of slightly heightened mood followed by insomnia, weepiness, and irritability. I just don't know when to react and take action and when to relax and see what tomorrow brings. I have decided to give it a day and see how that goes knowing I have made the necessary changes to get things calmed down. If that doesn't work, I am calling the doctor and increasing my medication. I have been on a low dose for a year now due to some side effects of the medication. I always said I would increase if necessary to stabilize. It is hard not to feel like a failure when this h...

" Ye did run well; who did hinder you that ye should not obey the truth?" Galations 5:7 Before I wrote today, I decided to read my Bible. I've been struggling a lot lately with that. Shocking, Huh? Well, I am human and sometimes the selfishness inside me wins the battle. What battle you ask? Well, duh as my Pastor would say(:. I think duh is rude, but I'm trying to be witty here so I'll allow it. Each and every day I have a battle inside my own mind. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm schizophrenic, but I can almost hear the voice of the Spirit battling against the voice of my flesh. Sometimes, it seems like a literal voice in the sense that I'm very aware of what God wants me to be doing. Sometimes, I just tune out His voice completely. Like a three year old with my hands on my ears. If I cover my ears I can pretend, "I can't hear you," Of course it is the very ignoring of God's voice that makes me just a little bit crazy(:. I feel t...

School's out and this Mom is glad. We still have a few things to get ready for the evaluator and school district, but I am going to take a day off. I am cool with cleaning my house, washing clothes. Just need a break from the heavy stuff. We are getting ready for a birthday so there is plenty to do. Yes, I stayed up way too late and tomorrow I am going to read a book while doing the laundry and making yogurt. No other real big projects until at least Tuesday. I would like a day when we don't go anywhere. Running, running, and feeling stressed. I could feel my thoughts starting to race at night. I know it was just system overload. Now for system shut-down. No, I am not a robot. I realize when you journal at 1:30 in the morning things don't sound all that sophisticated. Oh well! Racing thoughts is when I am thinking way too fast and I can't quite figure out what's in my head anymore. I don't really have to be particularly worried about anything. Just over-processe...

It sure is hot today. I like it when it's 50 degrees outside and you can go around all the time in sweaters. That's my favorite temperature so I guess I have to go live in a cave. I have to stop cause I forgot to eat again and my hand is shaking. Yes, I do that!