Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

As an older parent whose children are no longer small, I enjoy loving others babies and toddlers. I do often wonder why I cannot impart any of the wisdom passed down to me by even more seasoned parents. I find the mothers are frazzled even exasted and any advise offered will only cause discouragement. It is sad though cause I really benefitted from those wise words. Like every Mom, I wanted to do the best for my children. I wanted them to learn right from wrong, I wanted them to understand their wrong was the very  sin that Jesus gave his life for, and lead them to the conclusion that this comes from so much love from Jesus and me. To love your children enough to hurt them for a moment, so that they will be safe for a long time is so important. To love them enough to have them dislike you for a while so that they will learn how to treat others for a lifetime is also vital. Yet sadly, I see more and more frazzled mothers who cannot understand that. You know I would have been that wa...

Have you ever sat on the sand and watched the waves go up and down, in and out.  They start to go out further as the tide goes out. As the tide comes in they come closer and closer. Then there are the storm waves. Those are far different. They rise and fall like the rest, but they are so much higher and fall so much deeper.  That is how I would decribe Bipolar mood swings during a difficult time. Yet while the waves follow a determined pattern, mood swings can swing back around from sad to happy, angry to calm, far more quickly than waves swing from low to high.  I tend to only write about the high waves. The small ones are boring and frankly I don't need the comfort of writing during the boring times. To my follows, all three of you, He He.  The waves are calm now. We had a storm recently, but it is calming.  I think Jesus himself must have been calming things because no person can slow things down that quickly.  The sun is shining today. Yes, I see it. ...

What was it like for the disciples of Jesus and those closest to Him as he died on the cross. Watching helplessly as He was beaten, mocked, and tortured. Think of how in His pain, Jesus looked down from the cross asking John to lead away Mary who had been His earthly mother. She probably could not bare to watch Him die. Have you had to watch someone you love suffer pain, illness, helpless to do anything to lessen their pain? Perhaps a parent, grandparent, child, or dear friend. You could do nothing to help them and watching them suffer was almost too hard. Jesus understands that pain and He had the victory over it when He arose from the grave. "O death where is thy sting? O grave, where is they victory?...But thanks be to God which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." Watching someone I love struggle beyond my understanding or ablility to help, I am comforted by these words.

I wanted to post a little about the past. I originally titled this blog, "About Me Then and Now," but I feared that title just did not address the purpose of this blog. I wanted a place to vent about my life and maybe inspire someone else in the meantime. As with most bipolar adults, I have had a history of crisis that contributed to my symtoms. Having someone you trust mistreat you tends to curve your ability to trust for a lifetime. For me I realized the possitives I had to draw from it, God protected me from any serious harm. My lack of trust kept me from persuing relationships with the opposite sex before I was ready to handle it. I was saved for my husband because I was so guarded around guys that if they got too close, I would push them away or run(:. Then I met a guy who was so afraid of even talking to a girl that he was completely threatless. I was not afraid of being overpowered or mistreated. We became really close friends first and that was a win-win for both of...

Today I lost it. Tears spilling down my face a full blown panic attack during Bible study. I could not go in that room full of women. Feeling alone and emotional I started to flee. One of the leaders stopped me to talk to me till I calmed down. I can't say that I really felt,"Glad I stayed," but it is usually best to go through an attack rather than hide from one. Likely the next time I feel that way(there will be a next time) I will be able to calm down quicker. Today I was really just tired. I feel that struggle there every week, but it does not usually cause panic or tears. Is there something about the love chapter that the devil does not want me to hear? I know I need the reminder as much as anyone. I don't think my lack of female connection is everyone else's fault. I know it's me. I get it. I just don't do female relationships well. Even the friends I have probably are limited by my focusing issues. If they spent some time with my brain they might un...

As we start out a new year, it seems fitting that we remember the endings as we start new adventures. Some endings are good while others are not so good. Or perhaps our endings carry with them some sadness. Who have you lost this year? What did you have to give up? What is the new reality that means saying goodbye to old comforts. A new year can be a clean slate for acceptance of the many things which we cannot change or control. For me it will mean getting back on the exercise horse and trying to make serious diet changes. The positive rememberances of last year would be trusting the Lord to be more confident in teaching and being more faithful in Bible study. I remember accepting bipolar in the beginning. It was a long process. I see a friend accepting breast cancer and she is amazing. Finding ways to be thankful for all she still has. What a gift we offer others when accept God's will for our lives. I hope to some day offer encouragement and the love of Jesus as it has been so a...

After the sun comes out, things look brighter. Now we have longer days with plenty of sunlight. I definitely feel better when the sun is shinning. All that winter darkness tends to bring me down internally. Truth be told, I've come to except that their is stuff that I can deal with, but never overcome. I can simply take one day at a time, one step at a time. Like a person grieving a lost loveone. They get to a point where they only get sad when a thought comes to mind reminding them that person is no longer there. Yet when their is a special day like their birthday or a holiday, then it is just a sad day all day. It comes in waves for them. Bad memories can be like that too. Waves that come and go sometimes unexpectedly.One trys to avoid the harsh reminders. Sometimes, they seem to be there, all around. Other times way down stuffed out of the way. For a sad grieving one, I do realize there is joy amist sadness. You remember them and smile, even laugh. Yet you ache to hug them one m...