Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

I know how negative that last post was, butI needed to say it. I don't haves lot of time to blog these days which is why I hardly ever do. Going to just say today needs to be better. I will probably feel better about things after it's over.

I find the last couple months of winter the most difficult each year. I struggle with depression mostly during this time.  I feel Iike I am just in quicksand sinking deeper and deeper away from everything around me. Everyone and everything is starting to irritate me as I continue to feel bad with no end in site. Tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere. Too worn out to care anymore. I think I am really angery about not being understood. Being underestimated and passed over. So yes, I ask the question...Why God am I here? What is it you want me here for? Have to sign off.

It happened. I opporating on not enough sleep said exactly what I was thinking to complete strangers. I guess you could say I popped. Funny thing was that they were grown women acting like children. They were embarished and ashamed of their bad behavior. I being me was also embarished and just burst into tears. All said and done I am not sure it was a good thing, but I am so not going to worry about anymore. I finally got a nap today and I just want to relax and do something creative. I don't enjoy being harsh with people even when they deserve it. Looking forward to tomorrow and hanging out with familiar friends. They do not usually get me either, but at least with them I am loved. I am not sure where from here. I am not depressed just worn out. More sleep and better clarity of mind will be very helpful. I also need to do things I love like play with toddlers and sing. Maybe go hiking in the trees. Beauty of nature has a calming remidy all its own. Like the babbles of brook waters...

What discusts me today is adults acting like children. This is not necessarily that uncommon a practice. I hated school. Oh so many reasons not the least of them being the way I was treated by my peers. It was one thing to be ignored and isolated as a kid, but far different to deal with it as a grown up. It just irritates me. I don't want to be friends with people who act like that, but I have a hard time just ignoring it. I want to get in their face and fight for the girl I was. The girl who could not fight for herself. So there is the part of me that says, "you are an adult now; they are not worth it." Then the other part wants to get right in their face and tell them to, "Knock it off!" "You are no better than anyone else." Here's the thing though. They probably do not think that at all, nor are they doing this conscientiously. I just get so frustrated with it. For once it would be nice to be chosen. I know it is my lack of normal social skills ...

The things people say that tear me down are like little pepples that peck at me. I get hit with another one and the fat from the old ones rise to the top. It is not that I never got over those things before, but that the pebbles of hurt are difficult to forget. Trying not to be torn up by such small things.  I realize I can be too sensitive because I have fat in my heart. At times like this I have to remind myself again that those things can be "worked together for good" by God. I have to recognize that someone else's wrong does not have to become my wrong too. I can choose to forgive. I can ask God to help me forget bettter. Maybe this is a tearing down of spirit. Okay then God, I need that way of escape you promised so that I can go back to studing and pleasing you.

I had written earlier of how a little bit of kindness could make such a huge difference in anyone's life. A smile, a hug, a kind word, or a simple look of love can lift up the saddest of spirits. Just as those who give a little kindness can uplift, those who give a little rudeness can pull down. You're in a rush; you're impatient; you're short tempered; you are outright rude.  Maybe it was just a little glare.  Maybe you chewed out your cashier at the store. Maybe you barked at your children. We all have our moments. As I was reflecting on how much those little kindnesses meant to me, I started thinking on the unkind actions of others too. How can one more unkind act effect us? Truly for me it was the straw that broke the camels back. I lost my temper over something quite trivial. It probably seemed odd to a complete stranger. He doesn't know me. He does not know the day I had or the other things I have been through today.  How often am I the straw for someone else ...

As an older parent whose children are no longer small, I enjoy loving others babies and toddlers. I do often wonder why I cannot impart any of the wisdom passed down to me by even more seasoned parents. I find the mothers are frazzled even exasted and any advise offered will only cause discouragement. It is sad though cause I really benefitted from those wise words. Like every Mom, I wanted to do the best for my children. I wanted them to learn right from wrong, I wanted them to understand their wrong was the very  sin that Jesus gave his life for, and lead them to the conclusion that this comes from so much love from Jesus and me. To love your children enough to hurt them for a moment, so that they will be safe for a long time is so important. To love them enough to have them dislike you for a while so that they will learn how to treat others for a lifetime is also vital. Yet sadly, I see more and more frazzled mothers who cannot understand that. You know I would have been that wa...